When I moved to Toronto from Regina, I did what I referred to as my “Burn Every Bridge Tour.” I went to the different comedy venues and made fun of every other comic in the city. They were (and still are!) friends of mine, so no actual bridges went down.
Could you do me a favour? Can you rank the verses on Make 'Em Say Uhh from best to worst? I trust your expert opinion on this important matter. (Have I been ranking Fiend too low this entire time?)
Master P - “Make Em Say Uhh” (Ghetto D, No Limit/Priority, 1997)
This video came out when I was ten years old, and I saw it for the first time around then, too. I remember watching it on BET and being captivated by everything that No Limit and this song had to offer—the triumphant and attacking horns, the luminous video that also managed to be hazy, the way everyone bounces back and forth when they’re rapping like they can’t control how much the enthusiasm of the beat and the gym is dominating their bodies, the customized jerseys, the FUCKING TANK. It had a dangerous but accessible appeal nothing like I’d ever seen before on television. Also, I completely forgot that Shaq is in this video, playing the front row all-star game celeb role of reacting like a dunk you just saw is going to give you a heart attack/make you die laughing even though you’re not smiling at all.
#5. Slikk the Shocker - Lucky to be Percy’s brother. #4. Master P - P wins off of his inflection and deft propensity for yelling in the right places (“Third ward HUSTLAS” “M.P. pulling stripes, COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF” “Stepping on TOES, breakin’ fools NOSE(S), in the projects, nigga, anything GOES”). #3. Fiend - From the raw “Fiend exercisin’ his right of exorcism, bustin’ out the Expedition” internal rhyme opening salvo to the way he turns the words “scary” and “vary” and “worry” into scarrrrrraaaay, varrrrrraaay, and worrrrraaaay in a gravel-voiced husk, Fiend is the platonic ideal of a second-string goon rapper w/ the bars to back up an imposing figure. Also, “Little Fiend still want the greens, the cornbread and the cabbage” is an incredible sentence. #2. Mia X - This song is such a classic because of the wild and unpredictable bounce it forces on you, best exemplified by Mystikal’s verse, but I remember Mia’s 16 hitting me just as hard as when I was a kid. And listening to it again now, I can pinpoint exactly why: She spits with the density of a New York boom-bap rapper with the best Southern charm and slang. And she rocks the duality of being an attractive, stylish woman that can (and will) beat your ass if you act up, imbuing all her rhymes with a sense of believable urgency and vitality. (“Want some mo’? Then let’s go, stretch you out like elastic / Zip that ass up in plastic, have your folks pickin’ caskets / We drastic, our tactics is homegrown in the ghetto / So feel the wrath of this sista, it like you fighting ten niggas (!) / Forget the baby boys, it’s the biggest mamma Mia (!) / The Unlady like diva (!), lyrical man eater (!), believe her.”) 1. Mystikal - You know he’s a star when you hear the James Brown-influenced bark in a frantic double-time, you start counting the days until he releases his solo shit when you see him sitting on the net with the short braids that make him look like Ron Killings. Highlights: “I’m the one rappers look up to when they won’t know how to do” (rap could use some metaphorical Mystikal babies. His style is virtually inimitable, tho). I really love when he shouts out the crew “Niggas goin’ to war, got to fightin’ and shootin’ inside Rumours / Bitches be sayin’ he there, WE THERE, BEWARE / C there, Slikk there, Fiend there, Mamma there, P there / Ain’t no salary cap on top of my dollars / I roll with nothin’…but them No Limit riders/”
Oh Shit, Is That Spacehog? Ranking The Tracks On Big Shiny 90s From Best To Worst
Gawsh, I haven’t done one of these in a while. Time to fix that. I’m going through Big Shiny 90s (REMEMBER THE 90s! IT WAS THE THING THAT HAPPENED KIND OF RECENTLY BUT NOT TOO RECENTLY) and ranking the tracks from best to worst. GROUNDBREAKING STUFF, MONTEREY JACK. Alright, let’s do this.
Oh food, you crazy poop-producing rascal. Why do you tempt me so?
From time to time, I enjoy eating food. I also enjoying eating warm things that resemble food. This was my rationale for purchasing Great Value Pizza Nuggets from Wal Mart on Saturday.
(I also bought them because Christi used me as a guinea pig for her pain medication. “Pizza Nuggets” sound like a gold medal champ when you’ve popped a chemo treatment level dose of Cesamet.)
If you haven’t had Pizza Nuggets before, WELL I HOPE YOU BREAK YOUR NECK WHEN YOU FALL FROM YOUR HIGH HORSE! Sorry, that was a bit much. When I meant to say is that Pizza Nuggets are essentially tater tot shaped bits of backwoods pizza dough filled with a jizzy cheese. They’re the sort of snack that thinks Pizza Pops are for elitist goons and they’re here to fuck up your lace doilies and carefully curated china cabinet.
You can cook Pizza Nuggets three different ways: 1) In an oven 2) In the microwave 3) In the hot teardrop water that comes from shame crying moments before ingesting these gems. All are reasonable options, but I elected to stick ‘em in the oven for dignity reasons.
Here’s the truth about Pizza Nuggets that the LAMESTREAM MEDIA is too scared to clue you in on: They’re okay, I guess. BOOM! HOT SCOOP!
The three cheese variety aren’t bad. They’re just a cheese transportation device tucked into a fun size food-like container. It’s the sort of thing you can stick nine of in your face while you pretend that you’re only checking the premiere date of Millionaire Matchmaker to be like ironic or some shit. (By the way, that’s some bullshit having Patti change her assistants this season. Is it just a new bureau? I DEMAND ANSWERS!) Your stomach will immediately feel like they’re filled with growing bat embryos the moment you suck ‘em down, though. Be prepared for that gross fluttery feeling.
It’s important not to go out of your way in search of Pizza Nuggets, but instead you should just wait for their “meh, edible enough” charm to come find you. That’s where the magic lies.