The misunderstood (but brilliant) animated series The Life and Times of Tim is back for a second season. I’ll have to make a point not have a heart attack or other malady until it airs. Afterwards all bets are off.
I’m not sure if I’m in the minority on this, but I get giddy when I see people that have the same kind of body as me.
Last night I was watching the pilot episode of Michael and Michael Have Issues with my sister (‘cause my life is on fire) and she was horrified to see Michael Showalter’s recent pudge. She gasped. I cheered. His pasty doughy bit of stomach made me feel like we had some kind of solidarity. I used to have this sense of brotherhood with Seth Rogen and Jason Segel*, but they have since trimmed down in an effort to make me feel like a dope.
This development only adds to my hero worship of Michael Showalter. I am in his debt.
*My penis looks somewhat different than Jason Segel’s, so it was never a complete sense of unity.
Mishka Shubaly - Am I The Only One Drinking Tonight?
Woke up to notice I erased my phone’s “sent messages” and “inbox messages”. Surely my drunken decision making yielded messages so great that it would blow my mind to remember/see them again at a later date.
When will New Edition get their proper biopic treatment? Hollywood seems intent on giving charisma vacuum Kristen Stewart a shot at buttraping The Runaways, but New Edition gets slept on? Where’s the justice in that?
I’d even take a film project about Bell Biv DeVoe. Or better yet, a film about the song “Poison”. There’s enough in that song to make a movie around. Plus, imagine the soundtrack. Whenever a suspicious woman appears on the screen, you’ve got “Poison” in your directorial back pocket. The opening credits would kick ass, the closing credits would kick ass, any bit that features someone getting poisoned would kick ass.
Jackie Wilson - (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher
Sometimes when I stumble out from my consistent Canadian Cooler drunken haze, I blurb about pop music at The Singles Jukebox. At that point of the day I tend to be drinking McEwan’s so I feel more professional. Regal, even.
Update! The mastermind behind We Can Build You has the answer to my Simon Conjurer crisis. As taken from the comments:
"the movie was made but never released, i work at a video store in vancouver and every once in a while someone will ask if we have this. it is almost always people who acted in it, but never got to see it.”
Problem solved. Now I can focus my attention towards other interests. Maybe I’ll give jumping rope or crack a go. I’m free to do that now.
By my count, nine people walked out of the screening of Bruno I watched last night. Three separate groups leaving at three separate intervals. It may have been because they were put off by Austrian penis/bumsex jokes, but there’s an outside chance that my earpuncturing cackling did the trick as well.
Of all the antifolk songs that reference the works of Leonard Cohen and blowjobs, this has to be my favourite. Herman Dune would be devastated if they ever found out that I felt this way, so please don’t tell them. Even if they ask you about it this summer.
With all this Twilight hullabaloo there is a glimmer of hope that a Strawberry Switchblade revival will be forthcoming in the Zeitgeist. It’s not likely, but geeks can dream. We’re actually quite good at it.
If The Husband Wife Duo From Timbuk 3 Can't Make It, What Hope Do We Have?
Because my life is on fire, this afternoon is the fifth time I’ve watched the five hour special VH1’s One Hundred Greatest One-Hit Wonders of the ’80s. This kind of pop-culture retrospection is like crack to a geek like me. I imagine regular crack is also like crack to me, but I fiend for detailed Frank Stallone analysis with a junkie-like intensity. If I could go to some sort of Swing Out Sister-talk-den I would. Being a self-absorbed jagoff, I feel the need to share some of what I’ve learned with you.
A Sampling Of Things I Learned/Observed From Watching VH1’s One Hundred Greatest One-Hit Wonders of the ’80s.
- Will To Power was the only band with the balls the create an adult contemporary medley of Baby I Love Your Way and Freebird. And by balls, I mean ability to exploit cocaine-addled brain damage in suburbanites. It’s like an adult contemporary juggernaut of suck.
- There was probably a point in the 1980s when someone listened to Club Noveau’s version of Lean On Me to get them through a divorce or family tragedy. That thought just cracks me up to no end.
- JJ Fad got (high-pitched squeal) faaaahhhhhtttt. Also, Supersonic is still gangsta as shit. L’Trimm’s absence from the list is the greatest injustice in the history of time.
- The guy behind Major Tom is still enormously popular in Europe. He has released a memoir whose title translates to “Emotions Are Manly”. Fucking Germans and their complicated identity issues.
- Tom Cochrane’s band Red Rider made the list (for Lunatic Fringe). He is spoken about in glowing terms by people that have never been called a “faggot” for not singing along to Boy Inside The Man at a hockey game. I have loads of gay tendencies, but not singing along to a song titled Boy Inside The Man seems like a fairly straight thing to do.
- Paul Lekakis explains how he turned to prostitution after he found out he had AIDS. I didn’t know you were allowed to do that. I’ll have to speak to my member of Parliament about that.
- Haircut 100 were fantastic, weren’t they?
- Alannah Myles never recieved a cent for Black Velvet. She also hosted a sci-fi program anthology program and has a grey streak in her hair. You can get contact depression just from looking at her.
- Frank Stallone is more handsome today than he was in during his Far From Over heyday.
- Josie Cotton jumping off point, Valley Girl is the best 80s movie soundtrack, yo.
- Fergie and Jennifer Love Hewitt did back up vocals on Martika’s Toy Soldiers. They were all in Kids Incorporated together, you see. I’m not sure what to do with this revelation. I’ll keep it in mind if I ever develop a Fergie biopic.
- The 1980s was the time for Karen O fetishists (like myself). Martika, the lady from Swing Out Sister, one of the dudes from Information Society, what a time to have been alive.
- Paul Hardcastle’s 19 is probably the most terrifying pop hits in the history of time. After Absolutely (Story Of A Girl) by Nine Days.
- It turns out that Oran “Juice” Jones had a hit with a song about planning to beat the shit out of his cheating girlfriend. R Kelly owes R&B rant royalties to “Juice”.
- Dear God was XTC’s only hit? That’s not what Pitchfork’s been telling me.
- Surprise! Ben Lee likes Australian recording artists Midnight Oil.
- If you want someone to talk about Australia, Ben Lee is available.
- If you want to talk about mediocrity, Puddle Of Mudd is available.
- E.U.’s “Da Butt” is better than “Baby Got Back”, but still is nowhere near as good as “Rump Shaker.”
- (Non 80s Music Note) Turn regularly to avoid bedsores. Important lesson to learn.
- Did cacti have an endorsement deal with MTV? Every fifth video on the list had a cactus in it in some capacity.
- Jermaine Stewart died of AIDS, thankfully before Gym Class Heroes sampled him for their abomination of a track. AIDS: more humane than Gym Class Heroes.
- Voices Carry only made it to “56”? Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit with an angry dick. PT Anderson’s gonna be pissed.
- Andrea Rosen is everything the goons on Video On Trial are not.
- Chris de Burgh scared the shit of me as a kid. I broke down crying on a family car ride as a kid when “Spanish Train” was on the stereo. I was in a hysterical fit known only to old Iranian women in out of context news footage.
- Neneh Cherry has a BBC cooking show. Beware M.I.A., this may be your future.
- Shannon’s Let The Music Play is dope as hell. It’s rare that a mouth that has never had a penis in it would say that.
- 40% of The Killers videos are based on The Future’s So Bright I’ve Gotta Wear Shades. Timbuk 3 have to be interviewed seperately because the ex-husband/wife team hate each others guts. The wife part explains she’s been busy raising her teeenage son. Oh snap! Take that other guy in the band, you deadbeat prick!
- It turns out Judah Friedlander (who’s hosting this special) is 40. I’m not sure how old I thought he was, but 40? I thought he was, er, 37. I’m not sure what I’m conflicted about.
- Lily Allen thinks that Video Killed The Radio Star is “well done”. ALSODIDYOUKNOWTHATITISTHEFIRSTVIDEOEVERSHOWNONMTV!!!!!1111!!!!
- Break My Stride was originally done by a terrifying pasty ball of curly hair. I feel so un-urban right now.
- Bruce Willis gift to the universe Respect Yourself made it into the top 40, but Rappin Rodney gets stuck in the first hour? The music career of Bruce Willis is a joke in the aughts, but Jamie Foxx and Terrence Howard are given money to release “music”? It’s a never ending cycle of cruelty.
- I would rather teach my dick to ejaculate bone marrow than sit through ten minutes of that new Katherine Heigl. It’s a lonely life being single (hence the marathon watching and recapping) but not having to see romantic “comedies” seems like a fair trade.
- It’s Raining Men will always be sung by an unuappealingly slim Geri Halliwell in my heart.
- It’s Raining Men was written by the very straight Paul Schaffer and one of the Weather Girls sang the hook to the very gay C+C Music Factory track Everybody Dance Now.
- Tom Tom Club’s Genius Of Love makes it to 35. I’m vindicated. Mariah Carey should consider doing an entire album of Tom Tom Club/Talking Heads samples. Then Whitney Houston would get all catty and put out a Televsion inspired album to rival Mimi.
- I Know What Boys Like follows up? Aw shit! The chick in the band is the kind of sexy that hits you in the knees. You don’t hear that about Taco.
- Entourage seems to be a show about douchebags. Are you sure Mark Wahlberg has something to do with it? (Sarcasm! Tah-dow!)
- The Vapours spend their interview time explaining their song isn’t about jerking off.
- In what context is the song St Elmo’s Fire used in the film of the same name? I am authentically interested. The song was written about Rick Hansen, you know.
- Hey, the guy wrote St Elmo’s Fire wrote music for Three Men and a Baby. What an asshole. This is time that could be spent talking about Big Country.
- Stacy Q’s Two Of Hearts sadly only reminds me of DJ Tanner’s dishonesty. Also, here’s one of the most fascinating excerpts I’ve ever read on Wikipedia
At the height of the success of “Two of Hearts”, Swain was approached by “Weird Al” Yankovic for permission to record a parody single, “Two Pop-Tarts” The parody was never released, as Swain explained in a January 2007 interview:
“Royalties at the record company level were held up because of the ‘Two of Hearts’ songwriters, so we nicely advised our friend Al, ‘Don’t bother’
- Two Of Hearts seems ripe for sampling or covering. I mean by someone aside from Annie, who’s core fanbase are snooty Scandinavian gays and basement dwelling weirdos. Being part of the latter group, I can tell you that Annie’s version is incredible.
- Clinton from What Not To Wear explains that I Just Died In Your Arms tonight is about cumming. Thanks Clinton. ‘Preciate it.
- Why are the kids in Musical Youth in court in the video for Pass The Dutchie? That seems racist, no?
- Lily Allen watch: The kids in Musical Youth are “cute, them kids.” It’s like they just woke her from bed and shoved a bunch of flash cards in her face.
- You guys aren’t reading this far. I can write whatever I want. You wouldn’t believe all the word stuff I put my penis into. Glass of milk, bus seat, soccer ball, magic 8 Ball, Jay Manuel, all kinds of things.
- Fun fact, Dee Snider is always waiting in the green room at VH1 ready to tell the story of how he stood up to the Parent Music Resource Center.
- Hey, I knew that Pete Burns from Dead Or Alive got his intense transgender surgery on, but I haven’t seen his botched collegen injection before. Consider this five hour adventure “worth it”.
- Ha! Judah made a joke about getting his hands on Nena’s Luftballons!
- My goodness, German is a terrible language. I am very happy that the Allies won World War II.
- Surprise, the lead singer of Scottish band Big Country stuggled with alcohol abuse.
- Hotter 80s video girl: Cross-Eyed Girl from Whip It or Thomas Dolby’s love interest from She Blinded Me With Science?
- Is Animotion’s Obsession still the theme song for Fashion Television?
- Advice for future flaming out popstars: Don’t trot your kids out like having them cancels out your failure. It means little.
- The old editor of Blender is very defensive of Gary Numan.
- Frankie Goes To Hollywood are all about the buttfucking until you feel comfortable ejaculating thing. The country music charts could learn a thing or two about Frankie.
- Lily Allen watch. Regarding the chorus of Relax, “that’s a good line”.
- The always bouyant Melt With You earned Modern English $90000 for its use in a Burger King commercial.
- Toni Basil speaks lovingly about choreographing the Legally Blonde movies. I remember walking out of Legally Blonde 2: Red White and Blonde and being bedevilled wondering who did the tremendous choreography. Mystery solved!
- I feel obligated to note that there is a stage musical adaptation of Legally Blonde. Tony Basil is unaffiliated with that project.
- Robbery. Take On Me only makes it to number 3. Tragic stuff.
- It seems strange that Flock Of Seagulls are without the trademark haircut in the video for I Ran.
- The very deserving Come On Eileen scores the number one spot. L’Trimm wuz robbed.
- This time could have been spent doing something more valuable. Like masturbating or memorizing the Director’s Cut script for the Burt Reynolds 90s hit Cop and a Half.