Jeanne & The Darlings - How Can You Mistreat The One You Love?
I fucking knew it.
ESPN: Did Scottie Pippen’s ratings in the game really drop when he played certain teams? NBA Jam Designer Mark Turmell: It’s true, but only when the Bulls played the Pistons. If there was a close game and anyone on the Bulls took a last second shot, we wrote special code in the game so that they would average out to be bricks. There was the big competition back in the day between the Pistons and the Bulls, and since I was always a big Pistons fan, that was my opportunity to level the playing field.
When I was a kid, I was absolutely terrified of the Ghoulies series of films. More accurately, I was terrified of all “scary”-ish movies (including the Fangoria Award winning Ernest Scared Stupid), but Ghoulies freaked me out the most. Everytime I looked at the VHS box art, I would tremor with fear. THEY WERE MONSTERS THAT PRESUMABLY LIVED IN THE TOILET! A TOILET THAT LOOKS LIKE THE ONE I HAVE AT HOME!
I had no knowledge of what the films were about (research shows it was a bargain bin Gremlins knockoff), but the visual motif of “monsters in the toilet” scared the fuck out of me. It bothered me so much that there was a period of time in elementary school where I would not sit down on the toilet without checking to make sure there wasn’t a “ghoulie” ready to wreak havoc on my butthole. I don’t know what I would do if I encountered a creature of PG-13 level evil set to pounce, but goddamnit I was going to be ready.
When hanging out with friends (who actually watched and loved real horror movies), I made up lies about the contents of Ghoulies. Using a thick coating of bullshit, I claimed that in Ghoulies 2, “a monster comes out of the toilet and bites a guy’s dick off”. I made up all sorts of elaborate scenes that never existed in a movie that I had never seen to justify my fear of it. I moved away before anyone ever called me on it. Either that or no one had the heart to tell a hyperventilating nine-year-old that he doesn’t need to be scared of a crappy rip-off of Gremlins.
The weird thing about how scared I was of horror movies as a kid was that I wrote such violent and vulgar stories in grade school that the school board sent me for psychiatric evaluation. This is absolutely true. I was scared of rubber toilet monsters, yet my writing was so disturbing it led my elementary school to demand psychological testing.
As of the date of this posting, I have not yet seen any Ghoulies films. Not that I’m inundated with constant television replays, fan conventions and local re-enactments anyway.
“He wanted to be Kurt, then he wanted to be [Marilyn] Manson, and now he wants to be Perez Hilton. What’s wrong with being Billy? The best Billy I can think of is the guy in the ZERO t-shirt who shaved his head and went, ‘Fuck it.’”—Courtney Love in the new issue of Rolling Stone. Say what you will about her and her really complicated and fucked-up relationship with Billy Corgan, but she’s absolutely correct in this quote. That guy ruined his career by trying to be everything but himself. (Previously.) (via perpetua)
"Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a lion or a gazelle—when the sun comes up, you’d better be running." - Roger Bannister
Integral to the human experience is the constant yearning to achieve spectacular feats. There are those that accomplish the incredible at an early age and we as a society are in an awe of their contribution in youth. Michelangelo sculpted Pietà at the age 24. Jasper Johns was also 24 when he completed Flag. Michael Jackson’s Thriller was recorded and released during his twenty-fourth year of existence on this planet. There is much that can be created and accomplished before one has lived for a quarter of a century. It’s humbling to look at what mankind can create and achieve. As I approach my 25th birthday, I’ve been compelled to look at those that have contributed so much to our existence and civilization.
25 Things I’ve Put My Penis In Since I Was Born
1. Vaginas (not many)
4. Hands (my own almost exclusively)
6. Underpants (men’s)
7. Underpants (women’s)
9. Tubs (hot and other)
10. Banana Peels
12. Cracks In Couches
13. Cracks In Soft Chairs
14. Railings Of Stairs
15. Crushed VHS Boxes
16. A Clamshell VHS Case (did not close properly)
17. Milk Cartons
18. A Thick Coating Of Gel
21. Super Mario Bros. Bedsheets
22. Hats (I’m including baseball caps under the “hats” banner, however if I put my penis in a sombrero it would merit its own category)
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! A magical day of whimsy and wonder and (non-Irish) dudes wearing Boston Red Sox caps ready to beat the shit out of me at a moment’s notice. Why must they use their scabbed-from-jerking-off-to-the-Boondock-Saints-poster-in-their-rec-room hands for nefarious purposes? Why?
Life: Hey Dan, Life here. Just popping by to see how you’re doing.
Me: Well, I’m a bit on the broke side.
Life: Surviving on bowls of “Me” cereal, eh?
Me: Wait, you refer to Life brand cereal as “me cereal”?
Life: Well, what am I supposed to call it? Dan Clusters? (laughs heartily) They haven’t figured out how to make a cereal out of fried chicken and discount liquor.
Me: Ring-A-Zing-Ding! You got me.
Life: Now you were saying something about being broke, right?
Me: Yeah. I have no dough so I’m going to be watching a lot of television. I’m a big fan of television. It’s free and it’s the medium on which I enjoy a variety of exciting programs and films.
Life: Would you mind if I blew the bulb out on the TV?
(bulb goes out)
Life: You weren’t going to be using that bulb anytime soon, were you?
Me: Fuck! Really? Fucking really?
Life: What’s the big deal? You have another television upstairs.
Me: It doesn’t have DVR capabilities. My friend Amy is going to pistol-whip me when she finds she can’t watch the premiere of America’s Next Top Model.
Life: She can watch it online.
Me: You don’t understand, it’s a candy and Tyra evening. The internet does not provide candy enabling. Also, when I go upstairs my Ma sometimes informs me that she met someone she thinks will rape me. This conversation legitimately happens and it’s not a weird euphemism. She is warning me about someone that she is convinced will chloroform/basement/92Tyson me.
Life: On the plus side you’ll never accidentally watch Accidentally On Purpose.
Me: And it does validate my fear that if I relax my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder tendencies, bad shit will happen.
Life: Do you have the cool super-cleanliness kind like Monk?
Me: Nah. More of an intrusive image/doing things in even numbers occasionally thing.
Life: Want to have some Me Cereal?
Me: Can we have Dan Clusters instead?
Life: Sure, you get the Colt 45, I’ll get the bucket of chicken.
Daylight Savings Time is about to begin. It’s one of those occasions where the appropriate thing to do is buy Ra something nice. Even a card will do. (Be sure to put some thought into the text on the inside. It goes a long way, really.)
This morning I purchased my tickets for Conan’s upcoming tour and I’ve been overstimulated ever since. Will I get to see Brian Stack up close? Is there any chance Andy Blitz would somehow come aboard for this tour? Should I buy a mask to prevent me from just making excited squeals for the entire show?
8 Films I Would Love To See Make An Appearance In The Regina Midnight Movies Film Series
Midnight. Night Noon. Twelvezee-Welvezee. Whatever you call it, 12 AM is a fantastic time to go out and watch a film. The midnight movie format is a beautiful thing that accommodate an interesting brand of cinematic effort. This effort may be brilliant, it may be misunderstood, it may be craptacular, or it may well be an uncomfortable orgy of all three traits. Essentially this is all just a roundabout way of saying that I like midnight movies.
This spring my friend (and all around good guy) Mike Still did something I couldn’t get off my ass to do. He organized a Midnight Movies series (under the straightforward banner of Regina Midnight Movies). On a sorta-monthly basis, a movie is screened at midnight at ye ol’ Royal Saskatchewan Museum, lots of pleasant folks show up, I get blackout drunk and argue with a dinosaur skeleton and everyone has a wonderful time.
The inaugural screening was of the scrappy Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, and a screening of the dementedly brilliant Tommy Wiseau film The Room is mere weeks away. Being a self-important weirdo, I like to imagine what other films would make for worthwhile entries to the Regina Midnight Movies series. I’ve imagined and now I’m posting an unsolicited suggestion list. Basically this is the nerd equivalent of flipping through the Sears Wishbook at prepping a letter for Santa Claus. Let’s get listy.
Starring: Michael Stephenson, goblins in burlap sacks.
Current Midnight Movies Status: A major player. Troll 2's legendary awfulness has spawned an enormous cult following and even a documentary (from it's former child star lead) called Best Worst Movie about it’s newfound status as an awful-in-a-good-way classic.
As your hipster doofus friends have likely explained at length, Troll 2 is a green-food-colouring-spewing rollercoaster ride of incompetence. Here’s the setup: an exceedingly dumb family moves to the farming community of Nilbog (can you crack the code of the town’s name?) as part of a poorly explained house swap. Not everything is as it seems as Nilbog is run by shapeshifting goblins, and it’s up to the family’s little boy and his magical dead grandfather to thwart these snarly monsters. Food is pissed on (as a safety measure), bad actors turn into plants and a bologna sandwich is the ultimate weapon against goblin supremacy. The only way this movie makes any sense is if a schizophrenic spider laid eggs into your brain. There are many fascinating nuances (ranging from bizarre dance sequences to the remarkably wooden “acting”) that are best enjoyed in a room full of other people trying to figure out how this film managed to be released. Additional confounding element: There are no trolls in Troll 2.
I almost forgot, Troll 2 has this going for it too.
2.Wet Hot American Summer (dir. David Wain, 2001, trailer)
Starring: Michael Showalter, Janeane Garafolo, David Hyde Pierce
Current Midnight Movies Status: Sizable. Wet Hot American Summer has become a midnight staple in a host of U.S. cities. Feel free to visit these cities the same way father-son teams visit all Major League Baseball ballparks.
Shunned at the box office, Wet Hot American Summer connected with audiences after its subsequent video release. That’s how shut-ins like myself found out about it anyhow. Featuring a collection of comedy power players (including a healthy assortment of The State alums), Wet Hot American Summer serves as a lovingly deranged homage to both summer camp and 1980s summer camp films. It’s unquestionably the best film featuring Christopher Meloni coming to terms with his unusual sexual predilections via a conversation with a can of vegetables. Yes, even better than Blow Up (which also featured Christopher Meloni coming to terms with his unusual sexual predilections via a conversation with a can of vegetables).
A surprising number of women (and men) are turned on by the thought of Michael Ian Black in short shorts. That should make the film an excellent outing for a date. If you like arousal and stuff.
3.Street Fighter (dir. Steven E. de Souza, 1994, trailer)
Starring: Jean Claude Van Damme, Kylie Minogue, Raul “Please Remember Me From Being In Other Movies” Julia
Current Midnight Movies Status: Non-existent, but probably has a DVD following among nostalgic stoned twenty-something IT technicians.
In 1995, the film Mortal Kombat was released to mildly positive reviews and reasonable box office returns. The secret to Mortal Kombat's success? Not being the film Street Fighter. The Steven E. de Souza tour-de-crap is not so much a movie, but cardboard set laden affront to God (assuming that God exists and enjoys the moving pictures). Equal parts arrogant, lazy and just mind-bogglingly horrible, Street Fighter begs to be dissected by a room for of catty wags. Could you be that catty wag? Of course you could. “Now who wants to go home and who wants to go with me?” (cheers of beatdown extras paid in copies of Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game)
Street Fighter should be praised for giving us an idea of what Nicolas Cage would look like in 2010. If only Cage heeded Blanka’s financial advice. (Invest in electricity, Brazil.)
4.Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation! (dir. Mark Hartley, 2008, trailer)
Starring: Brian Trenchard-Smith, Dennis Hopper, the sweaty praise of Quentin Tarantino
Current Midnight Movies Status: None, but it is culled from the parts of Australian drive-in classics. None of which feature Yahoo Serious.
An Ozploitation Greatest Hits package masquerading as a documentary, Not Quite Hollywood offers up a clip-heavy retrospective of Australia’s most outrageous films. Nary a minute goes by without an explosion, decapitation or a healthy dose or six of nudity. Through a very loose line of reasoning there is even a shot featuring John Holmes and the mannequin leg he calls a penis coming up out of a pool. There’s an interesting story about Australia’s unique approach to cinema, but it’s the barrage of ludicrous scenes from these films that makes the documentary so ridiculously entertaining to watch.
6 Films Featured In Not Quite Hollywood That Could Be Midnight Movie Selections On Their Own
1. Fair Game (not starring Cindy Crawford)
3. Turkey Shoot
4. Howling III:Marsupials
5. BMX Bandits (starring Nicole Kidman)
6. Dead End Drive-In
5.Series 7: The Contenders (dir. Daniel Minahan, 2001, trailer)
Starring: Brooke Smith, Glenn Fitzgerald, Will Arnett (in narrator form)
Current Midnight Movies Status: None aside from a light cult following on DVD.
Very much a product of its time (if you don’t count the soundtrack by 90s A&R masturbatory fantasy Girls Against Boys), Series 7 is an update of the “people killing each other for sport” genre. In Minahan’s film it’s under the guise of a reality show format. Contestants are picked by a nationwide lottery, are promptly given a gun and camera man, and are instructed to eliminate their fellow contestants using good ol’ fashioned murder. What could have been a dull rehash gets exciting new life thanks to Minahan’s darkly hilarious script and directorial awareness of reality show trappings. Series 7 is fun violence-in-society social commentary without the shame-y Michael Haneke aftertaste.
Starring: Tony Jaa kneeing people in the brain, Tony Jaa kneeing people through the helmet to get to the brain, Tony Jaa kneeing people while on fire
Current Midnight Movies Status: Mild. I base this on seeing Ong-Bak play on the televisions of a nightclub once.
Tony Jaa is not afraid of you and he will beat your ass. He will beat your ass in his home village or on the mean streets of Bangkok. He doesn’t want to beat your ass, the only trouble is that someone has stolen the head of his village’s Buddha statue and he just can’t let that shit slide. Once the film gets going, Ong-Bak is one wildly imaginative fight scene after the other. Jaa’s unique brand of ass-kickery is the sort of thing that can turn a rational adult into an obscenity shouting child. The first time I watched Ong-Bak I leaped out of my seat and just started pointing and shouting. I did the same thing the next three theatre visits. You just don’t get that kind of reaction from Gosford Park. Or I”m just not watching Altman right.
Once while visiting Toronto, I thumbed through the bootleg DVDs in Chinatown. The clerk noticed me looking at Ong-Bak and pointed furiously at a disc the next rack. All he said was “number 2” and I completely lost my shit. I bought the DVD immediately. The subtitles were for a completely different movie (some high school teen sex comedy), but I was proud owner of a fraudulent copy of Tom-Yum-Goong. It wasn’t Ong-Bak 2, but it did feature Tony Jaa jumping off a skyscraper to knee a villainess off a helicopter. Huzzah for Chinatown’s bootleg DVD industry!
7.Crank: High Voltage (dir. Neveldine/Taylor, 2009, trailer)
Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam
Current Midnight Movies Status: None. We live in confusing times. Come to think about it a lot of Statham films could use the midnight movie treatment (Transporter 2, Death Race, The Prince Of Tides)
AV Club writer Josh Modell said it best in his glowing review of Crank: High Voltage last March: “It’d be silly to call Crank: High Voltage over the top: The top is so far below that it isn’t even visible.” Some action films are ridiculous by accident, some action films coyly play with being absurd, but Crank: High Voltage proudly snorts rail after rail of crazy for your amusement. It knows that action films are often silly, so why not ratchet everything up eleven notches. Picking up where the first Crank left off, Crank: High Voltage features the always incredible Jason Statham being literally shoveled off the pavement and having his heart replaced by an electric doodad that must remain charged. It’s all gratuitous violence, nudity and poor taste for the rest of the ride through.
For additional fun, celebrated internet badass Zodiac Motherfucker recorded a dementedly entertaining audio commentary for the film.
8. D2: The Mighty Ducks (dir. Sam Weisman, 1994, trailer)
Current Midnight Movies Status: Outside of slumber parties in the mid 90s, not so much.
Here’s the awful truth that 80s babies will never admit to themselves about D2: the film is a colossal hunk of shit. It’s a terrible movie that has since been transformed into a treasured item of youth and comfort. Get a bunch of twentysomethings into a convention hall and admiration for this film will likely be the only aligning trait (that and “Mmmbop” still sounds pretty good). It’s like nostalgia crack dipped in nostalgia opium lightly coated in nostalgia seasoning. It’s a cheap high, but if I’m being honest I’d be first in line to see it. Knucklepucks all around.
What would your ideal closing ceremonies musical line-up be?
Kideo. No other musical acts. Just Kideo.
The Winter Olympic Closing Ceremonies (or Coachella) would have been the ideal place for these titans of etiquette-rock to make their triumphant return. It’s not as though the acts that performed in Kideo’s rightful place are more relevant. Additionally, hits like “Stranger Danger” could warn kids to stay away from the creepy dopes that played the Closing Ceremonies (Nickelback, Hedley, dance collectives mean Stranger Danger!). Also, I’m an easy touch for bright colours.
Kideo was unfairly snubbed by Vancouver 2010, but they did get to play YTV’s Festival of Friends concert (An honour that digs at Sir Paul McCartney for never being to experience). You can enjoy their polite brand of rock n’ roll here.