10. Homosexual Cops - “So What (I’m A Homosexual Cop)”
(No video/embed option available. Check it out where I first heard it: the always fantastic Weird Canada.)
"So what? So what! I’m a homosexual cop!" is a good catch-all phrase for any situation you may be in where you’re not in the mood for anyone’s nonsense. If you can waggle your ass at someone defiantly, this is the jam for it too. It’s the sort of song that makes you want to start a band just so you can do a cover of it. (Or an ill-advised extended remix of it.)
9. The Drums - “Me and the Moon”
I’m not sure if Jonathan Pierce dances the way he does for artistic reasons or if that’s just the way he dances. Either way, I enjoy it. Strut on you awkward diamond.
8. Martin Solveig f Dragonette - “Hello”
The video was shot at Roland Garris and I have to confess that I only (loosely) follow tennis because I feel obligated to. I don’t really watch tennis (although it’s fascinating to watch the weird commercials designed specifically for rich people that you see nowhere else), but I try to keep track of who’s winning the major tournaments and I have vague opinions of players I see in highlight packages. I’m not quite sure who I’m trying to impress by keeping stock of tennis things. Andre Agassi? Sportswriters over 50? The guy that stabbed Monica Seles? It’s a baffling tendency I plan to remedy this year. Fuck off tennis. I’m going to take the attention I give to you and shift it toward something else I don’t know much about: regular season college basketball.
7. Pitbull f Sensato, Black Point, Lil Jon & El Cata - “Watagatapitusberry”
The Five Best Things Rapped/Sung/Shouted In “Watagatapitusberry”
5. “What is this Marilyn Monroe?”
4. “El que?”
3. “Pa yo ver si yo puedo entender sera fraces? No en ingles!”
2. “Baby you spaghetti? Let’s go I’m ready.”
1. “Oi Toni! Look at those big ol’ titties!”
6. Janelle Monae f Saul Williams - “Dance Or Die”
I’m not sure why no one’s approached Monae about doing a Cyndi Mayweather television series. Preferably as a science-fiction series exploring the character and her adventures but a cooking show would be fine too.
5. The Radio Dept. - “Heaven’s On Fire”
Heaven could never be on fire because it’s made of clouds and nougat, you Swedish morons.
4. Arcade Fire - “Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)”
One of the incredibly appealing things about Arcade Fire is that they are comprised entirely of dorks. There’s something weirdly unifying about being a dork and seeing a gang of dorks on stage dorking out something good with their dork tunes and dork dancing.
3. Mariah Carey f Nicki Minaj - “Up Out My Face”
Ever since Mariah escaped Tommy Mottola’s nefarious clutches, she’s come across increasingly emotionless in her ensuing output. Sure cuckoo bananas is kind of an emotion, but the recordings were strangely lacking in heart or personality. “Up Out My Face” is not only Mariah with personality, but also with charm to spare. The diva’s warm, playful and funny (that line about Harvard cracks me up every time). Tossing in Nicki Minaj as a sidekick doesn’t hurt things either.
2. Sleigh Bells - “Rill Rill”
When Sleigh Bells first blew up in 2009, it was incredibly exciting. A lot of their tracks sounded like a beauty pageant contestant trying to kick out the windows of a police car. Then 2010 came and we sorta got burnt out. “Rill Rill” still holds up marvelously with its sweet yet dangerous siren song. Plus that “click click saddle up see you on the moon then” part is ripe for making hand gestures to. My gesture tends to be weird rhythmic pointing with my hand in a weird claw shape.
This may make the liver the bass. Not quite sure nor am I particularly motivated to find out. (The pancreas is totally the trumpet by the way.)
19. GROUPLOVE - “Colours”
For some reason, I’ve always been drawn to yellow. According to my half-assed web research, yellow is the colour of egotistic dreamers. This probably explains a lot about why I make lists like these. (Although I prefer to think of my lovemaking style as “delightfully brief and misunderstood” rather than “obscenely selfish”.)
18. The National - “Bloodbuzz Ohio”
Matt Berninger seems like the kind of guy that would spike the punchbowl at a high school formal with American literature. (“Dude, I’m totally wasted on William Faulkner right now!”)
17. CocknBullKid -“Cocknbullkid”
This would be a lot of fun to perform at a débutante ball. Monocles and opera glasses would be dropping like a motherfucker.
16. Seeing Suge - “Breaking”
This would probably sync up excellently to footage of polar bears making tender love.
15. Grum - “Can’t Shake This Feeling”
I’ve watched the promo for Can’t Shake This Feeling about fifty times. It was around the sixth viewing that I said to myself: “If I were a model in this video, I would probably politely ask not to have to eat the baked beans.” I think it’s this attitude that’s holding me back from appearing in music videos while wearing a bikini top and gorging on food.
14. The Dirty Diamonds - “The Right Directon”
I always like it in a song when someone says something like “if you want to party like we do”. It implies that I’ve been partying wrong (which I probably have) and that I should probably open up my heart to a new brand of partying. Maybe this new party style incorporates synchronized dancing and novelty fires. I think I’d like that style of partying at first and then grow irritated and scared in the hours that follow.
13. Alphabeat - “Heatwave”
I wrote this at The Singles Jukebox, but I feel comfortable copying and pasting it for this bit of blurbing:
For a silly little pop outfit, Alphabeat’s singles have a weird talent for getting me emotionally invested. I’m not entirely sure why I go nuts for the “Ride On Time” bit of wailing (I only got around to listening to Black Box a couple years ago), but with every listen it just makes my heart skip a bit. I’m probably just a sucker for overstimulation.
Now’s probably a good time to relisten to “Ride On Time”. It’s still amazing. (Time permitting of course. You’re probably a busy person with a lot on the go. I shouldn’t be bullying you into listening to “Strike It Up” if you’ve got kids to pick up from daycare. Just y’know, time permitting and stuff.)
12. Foster The People - “Pumped Up Kicks”
Growing up, I always wanted (but never got/never communicated to my parents said want) a pair of Reebok Pump shoes. These shoes were made for adults but they were designed to capture the hearts and minds of overcaffeinated seven year olds. I didn’t really know the pump on the tongue did, but I theorized it was gave some sort of super jumping or running ability. Meanwhile, my Converse basketball shoes only had the ability to make me more like Grandmama. Being like a 6’8” dude sporting a floral print dress was cool and all, but I wanted Batmanesque gadget sneakers damn it!
If memory serves, I did get a pair of Reebok Question shoes at some point (endorsed by lovable scamp Allen Iverson). So I have that going for me.
11. Kanye West f Pusha T- “Runaway”
I don’t think anyone would really be upset if Kanye took a bit of a break from music videos for a while. Maybe he could pump that money into more Pusha T related projects. (Or take it out of Consequence’s expense account.)
I should probably hate how every piece of press involving Girls includes a mention of Christopher Owens’ upbringing in the Children Of God cult, but I still get a kick out of it. This is because a) it’s neato! b) I’m a narcissist that enjoys speculating on what I would do if I was ever trapped in a cult-type setting. I like to think that I would organize an escape and teach a series of seminars on how to have an iron will and an unbreakable spirit. It’s probably not what would happen (I would probably be like Homer Simpson and collect beans that resembled the cult leader), but it hasn’t stopped me from brainstorming escape plans and things to shout as I’m exiting the compound. (Current Frontrunner: “Fuck you, cult guys.”)
A glorious pop number with a delicate porcelain heart.
28. Robyn - “Fembot”
I’ve had mixed feelings about Robyn during her critical resurgence in the last half-decade. I’ve enjoyed a fair number of the singles she’s put out, but I never really felt a connection with any of the tracks. In 2010 though, I was buckwild for “Dancing On My Own” and “Fembot”. “Fembot” got sort of a lukewarm response, but I thought it was bad ass. It’s not as innovative or emotional bare as her other offerings, but it did manage to be the sexiest cyborg sex jam in a year chock full of ‘em.
27. Superchunk - “Digging For Something”
Aside from the occasional snippet, I’ve never heard The Best Show On WFMU. That’s kind of embarrassing. I should probably remedy that.
26. The New Pornographers - “Crash Years”
This would be fantastic if you ever needed a montage of a diplomat looking at pictures of his ex-wife in an overseas embassy. The movie that would take place in would probably be horrible, but man what a montage!
25. First Rate People - “Girls’ Night”
"You’re so fine that I want to make a postcard telling you that I’m crashing Girls’ Night." That’s a bit unsettling, innit? I mean the sentiment is nice but in print it comes off a bit Night Trap. How about: “You’re so fine that I want to make a postcard telling you that I’m respecting your space and it’s important that you have your own friends you hang out with and we could go see Black Swan on Sunday if you’re free. Also this postcard features pictures of Labrador retrievers because I know how much you like playful dogs.”
(Actually that version’s a lot more creepy. Ignore my revision suggestions, First Rate People.)
24. Caribou - “Odessa”
I was at pub trivia a couple years back and was stumped on a question whose answer was “Caribou”. I’ve arbitrarily hated Caribou ever since. This is brilliant, though.
23. Example - “Kickstarts”
Women. Am I right? (Probably not.)
22. Magnetic Man f Angela Hunte - “I Need Air”
This would probably be higher if I were into recreational drugs.
21. Darwin Deez - “Radar Detector”
Darwin Deez is an interesting character because he’s not only a hipster doofus, he’s proud to be a hipster doofus. (Ever notice that the only people that claim to hate hipsters are the ones that could be mistaken for hipsters? I’ve never seen a Tapout-sporting Disturbed superfan complaining to someone about how terrible hipsters are.) Identity politics aside, “Radar Detector” is doe-eyed pop wonderfulness with hot fudge flowing through its veins. Precious (and strangely honest) in the best possible way.
Not quite a master class in social commentary (“Tread lightly naive starlets, America’s fame system manufactures then crushes your dreams. Plus security guards talk with a Valley Girl twang for some reason.”) but the tune is glorious. Sort of like audio ice cream cake. It doesn’t live up exactly to what it promises, but there’s delicious icing and sweetness everywhere so who cares?
39. Keri Hilson - “Pretty Girl Rock”
The video for “Pretty Girl Rock” presents a very interesting question. If you had to dress up like a member of TLC (either for a music-related promotional video or as part of an inventively deranged hostage video), which one would you choose? At first I was skeptical of Keri’s choice of T-Boz over Left Eye, but I’ve ultimately made peace with her selection. In fact, it might be the best option available.
For those of you keeping track, the worst option available is O’so Krispie. In fact, that’s always the worst option available.
38. Sonny & the Sunsets - “The Hypnotist”
Hypnotists can’t always solve your problems, but the morally dubious can sometimes rely on hypnotists to teach them the art of seduction.
37. The Mynabirds - “Numbers Don’t Lie”
Sometimes I like to pretend that Saddle Creek Records operates a summer camp. Activities at this camp would likely include: DIY boot repair, manufacturing dust to put on various household items and courses on how to pretend that its fun to listen to The Flying Burrito Brothers for an extended period of time. Also there’s probably a tire swing set up there or something.
36. The Futureheads - “Heartbeat Song”
They went away for a while and now they’re back. Fantastic. Like the bulk of The Futureheads’ best tunes, this leaps up on you like an excited puppy. (Possibly while wearing a hand-knit XTC doggy-sweater.)
35. TV Girl - “If You Want It”
The narrator is a bit more a cad than he lets on, I imagine.
34. Goldfrapp - “Rocket”
The pegging anthem of 2010. Probably of 2011, if someone decides to knock out a remix.
33. Shout Out Louds - “Fall Hard”
Shout Out Louds: Not to be confused with Shout Out Out Out who aren’t particularly interesting.
32. Cults - “Oh My God”
The optimum soundtrack for swimming in costume jewelry. (Beating out such contenders as Joseph Haydn’s “Costume Jewelry Symphony” and the Big Band standard “Costume Jewelry Hop”.
31. B.o.B. f Rivers Cuomo - “Magic”
Grumble grumble grumble why can’t Weezer sound like it did when I was eleven also why can’t Liz Phair sound she did when I was eleven and why can’t I be eleven again grumble grumble grumble. B.o.B.’s output of singles has been positively dreary (“Nothing On You” and “Airplanes” are two of the most miserable fucking turds to stink up the charts in 2010.), but this is just an explosion of goofy fun. Whack all the pinatas! Binge on all the Pixie Stix! Ride on the backs of sabretooth tigers! Cheesy, corny, addictive. It’s the Cheetos track of the year, m’fucker.