Radio dynamo/stand-up gadabout/disgraced Navy Seal Dane Imrie has weighed in on my self-indulgent “who should I root for in Euro 2012?” quest. Let’s hear it, Dane.
Practical Answer: Netherlands/Holland. Practical ball control. Funny shirt names. Wild abuse of “heyyyy, that guy’s from the Antilles” rule.
A reasonable answer, although I’ve never really glommed on to the Netherlands before. For some reason, when I went to Euro and World Cup games at O’Hanlons (Regina bar and place where I vomited aggressively to the point I had to be dragged out), there was enormous support for Holland. Maybe O’Hanlons is located in the Lil’ Amsterdam portion of the city. Actually, that would explain all the people using windmills to ingest their drugs. Holland’s a great pick on paper, but emotionally I just can’t make that relationship work. I just don’t feel that spark. Poland remains in the lead.
Ties? You Bet! Help Me Find A Rooting Interest For Euro 2012, You Gobs
When I watch soccer, my default rooting interest is Scotland, which isn’t a rooting interest that breeds a lot of exciting results. Unless you measure exciting results in Del Amitri songs and a decade plus without a major international tournament appearance. Cheering for Scotland is a bit like being Gretchen Weiners in Mean Girls and wanting to make “fetch” happen. Dan, stop trying to make Scotland happen! It’s not going to happen! I still have hope but I can feel the cleat marks of the 2014 World Cup qualification stage already on my balls. Fuck you Croatia, Serbia and Belgium. You are going to tear my hopes and dreams to ribbons and eccentric locals are going to make folk art out of those hope n’ dream ribbons.
In the last World Cup, I was brought my valuable skills of “pout-glaring at TVs”, “pathetic angry gesturing” and “shouting curse word hybrids” to the U.S. side. I root for America in international soccer because I find the U.S. to be the most relatable club out there. They look like me, they talk like me, my Grandma’s American. It just works for me. Also, I’m a North American sports fan, so I place a ridiculous value on the USA’s tough guy posturing and minimal interest in diving. I lost my mind when Landon Donovan notched that header against Algeria in 2010. That said, if Canada ever punches its way out of CONCACAF qualifying, I’ll be all up on that bandwagon.
For Euro 2012, i’m a man without a country. Scotland’s out because they didn’t qualify and the United States are out because they’re UEFA-eligible for obvious reasons. So who should I root for? I have a lot of clubs in the tournament I can’t stand (England, Italy, Netherlands, Portugal, Greece, France, among others), but I’m having trouble finding one that speaks to me. Should I root for Ireland? I’m partially Irish, I fear the sun, I felt personally slighted by Henry’s hand ball in World Cup 2010 qualifying. Or should I find someone else to get buckwild for? Am I being too harsh on the clubs I hate? (Note: I’m not.) Am I missing out on something? I need your help, internet!
(Answer in the Tumblr reply or send me an email: email@example.com I post all replies and manifestos.)
Well, this is an enormous bummer. As someone that’s been a big Dan Harmon fan since way back in the Channel 101 days, I remember being really excited for Community not just because it sounded like it was going to be great, but also because it was Dan Harmon doing a TV show on a major broadcast network. On the plus side, maybe we can get an Acceptable TV revival this fall.
A few hours ago, I landed in Los Angeles, turned on my phone, and confirmed what you already know. Sony Pictures Television is replacing me as showrunner on Community, with two seasoned fellows that I’m sure are quite nice - actually, I have it on good authority they’re quite nice, because…
I asked Mason (who you know from the previous post/your Tumblr dashboard feed/the film Ski School 2) to answer all nineteen of these questions on his blog, now he’s asking me to do the same on mine. Put on your reading mittens, let’s get to it.
Folks on Tumblr (including Mason Pitzel who you’re following on Tumblr if you’re doing life things right) are tackling this list of questions and I thought I’d weasel my way into this sort of thing. Which of these Tumblr quiz questions would you like me to tackle? (Note: I have no idea where this collection of questions originated. Bolt maybe? Is that something that still exists?)
1) What album do you consider to be “epic”?
2) Which band do you feel is more important: Crass or The Clash?
3) You’ve been in a terrible accident. You were horribly injured, so badly your heart actually stopped. Shit, man—you were legally dead for three minutes. Then you were in a coma for a week. When you’re finally starting to recover, your best friend brings you your iPod as you lay in your hospital bed. What song do you listen to first?
4) Name a musical collaboration you WISH had happened.
5) You’ve got a time machine. What show would you like to see?
6) Vinyl? MP3’s? Favorite format and why.
7) If David Bowie had looked and acted like Joe Pesci his entire career but still made the same records, would they mean as much to you? How about Madonna, Lady Gaga, Ozzy Osbourne, or other artists?
8) What musician would you most want to have sex with? Assume you’ve still got that time machine.
9) What musician would you go gay for?
10) You’re directing a movie based on your life. The screenplay was written by a psychic who knows you better than you know yourself, and even wrote scenes based on the parts of your life you haven’t even lived yet. What song do you play on the soundtrack for your birth? Your death? And for when you lost your virginity?
11) Your pick for the most overrated band of all time.
12) Name a record you’re kinda embarrassed to admit you like.
13) Name a song that makes you cry. Now tell me why.
14) Name a musician whose work you love, even if you suspect you’d absolutely hate him as a human being.
15) You’re a musician. If the only way you could support yourself as a musician would be to have Britney Spears’ career (not her personal life, but her career, singing the same shit Britney sings and raking in the same piles of money), would you do it?
16) Your favorite record that you’d never let your children listen to.
17) Name a song that makes you horny.
18) Name a song so bad it makes you angry.
19) You’re a radio DJ trapped in the studio as the world ends. How does it end, and what song do you choose to play in those final moments?
1. Hockey Team Logos 2. Episodes of Community 3. TV Shows that were cancelled too soon.
Top 3 Hockey Team Logos (Ice Division, I can send a pamphlet on my favourite field hockey logos)
1) Detroit Red Wings: For a club whose nickname has a second life as a sexual reference, the Red Wings have a logo that’s awesome for all ages. It’s “Thunder Road”: the logo (even if it pre-dated The Boss by a healthy number of decades). Detroit has a wheel with a fucking wing on it for a logo! That’s the American dream right there! A logo that could fly away, but it chooses to roll down the streets of Detroit boasting a colour that says: “you have no idea how much blood could be up on me”. Well done, logo.
2) The Swedish National Team: For a country that’s not particularly intimidating (tremble before our government-enacted social support policies and our fighting-averse brand of ice hockey), Sweden sure has a great logo for striking terror in the hearts of its opponents. A reverse triforce of crowns is a timeless look. Canada has a hockey player skating inside a maple leaf because…we’re dumb? I can figure out that Canada’s playing hockey if you give me a different (less redundant) logo, I don’t need the leaf, the player, “Canada”, a map and an anthropomorphic bag of Ketchup chips to know what I’m looking at.
1) Pic-A-Pop Cola: If you don’t like Pic-A-Pop, get the fuck out of my country. (That’s a bit harsh, I should step back my soda rhetoric a bit.)
2) Pop Shoppe Cola: They’re switching to cane sugar in 2012, so be sure to stay alive at least until you can enjoy and taste the switch. Also, no one has the balls to say this (look out Big Soda), but the bottles taste a bit dusty for Pic-A-Pop and Pop Shoppe sodas. Step your bottle maintenance game up, Canadian soda manufacturers.
3) Cott Black Cherry: Cott’s great because it’s the sort of thing your alcoholic grandmother has stacked in rows upon rows to put in her drink that’s 85% vodka 10% soda 3% pills 2% ghosts of the past.
1) Worst film adaptations. 2) Best streets you've walked down. 3) Biggest moments of schadenfreude.
3 Worst Film Adaptations
1) McHale’s Navy: That said, if you want to see a movie where Tom Arnold plays a guy that is beloved like a deity for being a badass maverick, this is the cinematic experience you’ve been waiting for.
2) It’s Pat…The Movie: Imagine a nine year old boy that is unhealthily excited to see this movie. Now imagine that boy angrily tapping a mini stick on thinly carpeted concrete while watching it in his friend’s basement because the movie is soul-crushingly terrible. Now imagine that boy cheering because he sees Dave Foley onscreen. Now imagine that cheer ending and the angry mini stick tapping resuming. I ask you to imagine these things because I don’t have to imagine them. I was there. I was that boy. Holy fuck, It’s Pat…The Movie is terrible.
3) The Avengers: Please put away your weapons and poisons, I’m talking about The Uma Thurman/Ralph Fiennes adaptation of the TV show The Avengers, not the 2012 Marvel Comics adaptation.
3 Best Streets You’ve (I’ve) Walked Down
1) Main Street, U.S.A. (Disneyland)
2) The Trail Leading To The Sasquatch! Music Festival (George, WA)
3) Government Street (Mobile, AL)
3 Biggest Moments Of Schadenfreude
1) The Saskatchewan Roughriders having too many men on the field in the 97th Grey Cup.
2) Bullies getting their comeuppance. (specifically seeing their face after everyone involved high fives and a boombox playing a cassette of “party music” appears out of nowhere)
3) Every single time Gary Bettman is booed with the fire of a thousand suns and ten-thousand grandsons when he appears in Winnipeg, whether it’s justified or not.
I have other (more personal) schadenfreude tales to tell, so I’ll trade those for barbecue next time I’m in Regina.
My shame-meter is a bit damaged, so this might not be the best guilty pleasure list. For example, I will defend Speed Racer to the death (it came up once), but I feel zero guilt about it. THE MOVIE HAD BRIGHT COLORS! WHO COULD ARGUE? Also, when people list Road House or Cannonball Run or Face Off those are bullshit answers. Everyone loves those movies. They are awesome. It’s the same as someone listing ABBA or Hall & Oates as a guilty pleasure. That’s a lie and a cheat. Those things are awesome and you’re lying to yourself about what a guilty pleasure is. Guilty pleasures are about things you enjoy and feel uncomfortable about. Grumble mumble fumble! Enough pre-amble, on with the list.
1) You Don’t Mess With The Zohan: It says Judd Apatow and Robert Smigel in the writing credits, so that reduces the shame a bit. The shame that rattles your bones when you realize you like a Sandler/Dugan movie.
2) 8 Mile: 8 Mile is not a bad movie and it was relatively well-received when it came out, but what makes it a guilty pleasure for me is how much I get emotionally invested into the movie when I watch it. “I am B Rabbit! Our journey is the same! Watch out, Lotto has some good battle rap lines! Oh no, Brittney Murphy’s going to sexually mislead you/us!” Additional guilty pleasure factor: after watching the movie in the theatre, my friends and I drove around battle rapping for four hours.
3) Vanilla Sky: I know that Vanilla Sky is ridiculous, but holy shit do I love it. I’m a sucker for every music cue, every bit of “…or is it?” jerk-around-ery, every Cameron Crowe-ism. Cruise and Cruz got into a serious relationship while filming the movie, yet it somehow made a much bigger impact on me. I am a lame-a-zoid.
(3 Movies I Love That Sensible People Would Consider To Be Guilty Pleasures: 1) The Spirit 2) Wrong Turn 2 3) Josie & The Pussycats)
1. Kid-oriented commercials. 2. Female comics. 3. Albums of the 2010s.
Top 3 Kid-Oriented Commercials
1) Dino Getti - Dinosaurs Rocking Out In A Secret Dinosaur Lair
The Dino Getti ad is designed to appeal to kids (lasers! rock n’roll dinosaurs! secrets!), but it mostly appeals to nightmares/fetishes/nightmare-fetishes. Either way, who wouldn’t want to eat noodly dinosaurs? Creationists that hate deliciousness?
2) Chargertron -Origin Of Chargertron
PROTAGOTRON AND ANTAGOTRON
3) Concerned Children’s Advertisers - He Ain’t Heavy
I’m a huge PSA/PIF enthusiast (read: sun-averse-weirdo), so narrowing things down was very difficult. I wanted to cheat and include the Stop The Madness music video, but I ended up settling on this clip that always turned me to emotional rubble during Saturday morning cartoons.
Top 3 Female Comics
1) Christi Olson
2) Maria Bamford
3) Diana Love
Top 3 Albums of the 2010s
1) Alphabeat - The Spell (2010 non-Denmark release date, which is either a cheat or a perfectly valid thing to go with)
2) Vampire Weekend - Contra (2010)
3) Marina and the Diamonds - The Family Jewels (2010) (US Version)
(Honorable Mention - Fight Like Apes - The Body Of Christ And The Legs Of Tina Turner)
I was at the Sasquatch! Festival in 2007 when the Beastie Boys co-headlined with Bjork. Sasquatch! promised we’d get hot Bjork action on Saturday night, with the Beastie Boys closing out the festivities on Sunday night. In the run-up to the festival, it was announced that the Beastie Boys would also be doing an “instrumental” set on the Saturday night as well. It was exciting news, but it was also news I was sceptical about: “So they’re just noodling around and doing free form jazz instrumentals? I think I’d rather just see them do their proper set on Sunday.” I always wanted to see the Beastie Boys, but I wanted the full-on Beastie Boys experience. I was tempted to check them out on Saturday, but ultimately determined I should wait.
So on Saturday night, I stuck around on the Gorge Amphitheatre’s grassy knoll (or Coors Light Viewing Hill or whatever) to hold a spot for me n’ m’festival pals to enjoy Arcade Fire and Bjork from. With me keeping guard of our spot (I hate guarding seats. It makes me a nervous uncomfortable mess.), my pals went to go check out the Beastie Boys Go Instrumental. My then girlfriend (TG) and I protected our festival real estate and watched Manu Chao enthral the audience/catch my active loathing rays. After about 40 minutes, my friends returned with mile-wide grins. The Beastie Boys instrumental set wasn’t a “dudes that just like to jam, man” set. It was a BEASTIE BOYS SHOW WITH GUITARS AND DRUMS AND HOLY SHIT WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME??? I sat watching Manu Chao (gah!) and warding off dudes from taking our seating rectangle when I could have watched the Beastie Boys, a band that I love in non-noodling formats, be fucking awesome in front of my face.
TG and I were relieved from our post and went to take a much needed Honey Bucket (the Pacific Northwest’s disgustingly named answer to Port-A-Potty) break. In line, I heard the opening riff to “Sabatoge” being played in the distance. Acting on pure instinct, I grabbed TG’s wrist and began running. I yanked so hard and ran so fast that I nearly tore her arm out of the socket. I wasn’t thinking, I just knew I had a chance to see the Beastie Boys play “Sabatoge”. It had turned out that my pals left early and missed 30 minutes of the Beasties tearing the fuck up out of the secondary stage. I went from hell to heaven in the course of one signature riff. All prayers were answered, mistakes erased and I got to experience the coolest surprise of my life.
I guess what I’m getting at is that the Beastie Boys are awesome. Of course, you don’t need me to tell you that. There are loads of people more qualified to handle any and all forms of MCA memorial. This is more of a “Thanks MCA” memorial blurt.
My earliest exposure to the Beastie Boys was probably “(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)”, but that was more so because the song was inescapable. It was the sort of thing my Dad liked and would have on a running mixtape with whatever his own interpretation of the title was (my guess is that he labelled it “Busted!” on his Sony cassette liner sheet). I was too young to know the Beastie Boys from their Licence To Ill success.
The first Beastie Boys song I was enamoured by was “Skills to Pay the Bills”, a song that I had and treasured on my Keep It Slammin’: 1994 World Basketball Championship cassette. Like millions of geeky kids my age, discovering the Beastie Boys was a ridiculously important feat. Not only were the Beastie Boys cool, they were also impossibly geeky. Sure, MCA sounded awesome talking about how he’ll “steal your honey like I stole your bike”, but he sounded even cooler when he referenced comic books and athletes that were championed by nerds.
MCA had that lower gravelly voice, which made him come across a bit like a cool older brother. This sort of worked hand-in-hand with how Adam Yauch tackled all sorts of big projects (a film label, directing loads of music videos, loads of Tibetan freedom related initiatives). He was also the dude you’d probably pick out of the Beastie Boys when you played with non-NBA players in NBA Jam.
When I watched the Beastie Boys do their “proper” show on that Sunday night, I was blown away. Everybody in the crowd was, including the guy that dressed up like Bender from Futurama (robot head and all). The Beastie Boys were an act that the crowd recognized as important. It’d be like catching the Pope at the height of his Poping and if he didn’t tour that much. The Beastie Boys were awesome. MCA was awesome. Let me change the way I phrased that. The Beastie Boys are awesome. MCA will always be awesome. We’ll miss you Yauch.
Full Disclosure: My favourite MCA verse is his closing bit from “Intergalactic”:
If you try to knock me you’ll get mocked I’ll stir fry you in my wok Your knees’ll start shaking and your fingers pop Like a pinch on the neck from Mr. Spock
It’s an obvious pick but I’m comfortable with that.