I like to play fantasy football. Y’know, cause my life is on fire. I like the hubris of thinking I’m a football talent evaluation guru, complete with all the perks that come with it (fat people friendly clothes, strangers throwing garbage at you in the street, 10% off on General Manager Fun Daze Tuesday at Target). I went to check on the status of my league this morning and was horrified (which is like being scared but MORE!) to learn that they were proceeding without me. I can assure that my monocle hit the ground at a frightening velocity.
My team, the Dracula City Frankensteins, was no more. The roster was disbanded, the players were sent to free agency and the club folded. There’s an outside chance that my logo was executed on closed circuit TV for an audience of shadowy billionaires, but that’s just speculation for now. My club was gone and expansion teams have moved in. It wasn’t a great franchise (my team lost in the Finals to the friendly powerhouse known as Phil Smith), but bygum it was a bummer to learn that I am a man without a fantasy team. I felt like CHARACTER in MOVIE TITLE when IMPORTANT PLOT POINT to GENDER SPECIFIC PERSONAL PRONOUN.*
(*I’m trying to be spoiler alert friendly in this busy summer movie season.)
I understand why I wasn’t invited back. I know it wasn’t anything malicious or mean or m(negative adjective). It was just a myriad of factors coming into play. Primarily, I just think I was forgotten about, but here’s my additional three reason explosion!
1) I now live 2500 KM away.
2) I haven’t kept in close/much contact.
3) I’m incredibly annoying.
All sensible reasons! The only trouble is that I now have to prowl the streets (like an urban panther!) for a new league that I can participate in. I’m not sure if I’m a fantasy football league catch. Am I a desirable opponent? I’m lazy when it comes to the waiver wire, I pay my league fees in the realm of “on-time” and my smack talk is mostly just Delocated lines that I love and am unafraid of running into the ground. That’s a functionalish relationship, right?
Is this the sort of thing where people place ads looking for players in Kijiji. I’d check for open spots on Craigslist, but Lifetime has taught me that Craigslist is the place to go if you want to be in a murder victim league, which sounds convoluted and incredibly inconvenient.
Maybe I’ll nudge fellow comics at shows I go to and ask if the want to play Pretend Football Team Maker Imagination Fun Time (Plus $50 In League Fees) with me. I’m a bit nervous to ask, because it’s a weird thing to ask about in person. It’s hard to come back from “please please please make believe millionaire athletes are our employees with me”, when that offer gets shot down.
I can’t go back to the world of anonymous ESPN/Yahoo Singles Table draft leagues. You know what I’m talking about: those leagues where it’s just dudes trying to find leagues to play in for free because they have no one else. It’s fantasy equivalent of going to cuddling party. It works for some, but I don’t feel comfortable with it.
So now I’m backed into a corner. Do I crane my neck out and become social in an attempt to play fantasy football or do I go with Option B of putting my fantasy football energy into becoming a degenerate gambler instead? I have the sort of legs that a loan shark fantasizes about breaking, but I still hold out hope that I can weasel into a fantasy league somewhere. Oh the sassy adventures I could have! I mean until Week 15 when I become a cyclone of half-formed swear words and pathetic gesturing.
In conclusion: FOOUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTTTTTBAAAAAAAAAAALL!
I came across an old Los Angeles Times article today and it turned my brain to dust. What was it about? An America’s Funniest Home Videos tape screener named “Smitty”, of course.
Child in truck: A woman puts a girl of about 2 in the driver’s seat of a pickup whose motor is running. Then, after someone has apparently slipped the truck into drive, it moves forward 10 to 15 miles per hour with the girl still in the driver’s seat, traveling about 15 yards before hitting a camper shell and pushing it into a small car.
The crying child is removed from the truck by the woman, who appears to be laughing.
Child on slide: Dressed in a frilly white party dress, a girl of about 2 climbs by herself to the top of a 10-foot slide, then goes down it and lands in a mud puddle at the base of the slide, hitting her head on the ground and crying.
"It’s obvious she was supposed to land in the puddle because she had nowhere else to land, and there was no one there to catch her," says Smitty. Not only that, she could have fallen from the top of the slide and been seriously hurt. "The producers don’t want anything that’s really violent," Smitty says. "But the people sending these in don’t seem to be able to differentiate what’s funny from what’s unsafe."
I’ve been obsessed with the world of AFV screeners and this is like cooked crack to me.
My money quote from the piece is easily:
"The boy may have wanted to be hit, but not hit like that," says Smitty.
The whole article is after the jump. Fascinating/terrifying stuff.
(Note: There are tales of animal cruelty, so gauge your comfortability with reading about that subject before checking it out.)
You Can Still Rock In America: 9 Overlooked (United) States
Fifty. That’s how many states there are in the United States of America. Unless you count STATE OF EMERGENCY HARHARHARHARHARHAR!!! Get it? State of Emergency isn’t a state. It’s a commonwealth! Sigh. We have a lot of laughs on Tumblr.
With so many states in the union, some states get lost in the shuffle. Sure, it’s easy to remember places like Texas or New York or Delaware, but some states get overlooked. Unfairly, I might add. I’m going to try and fix that. Here are my picks for the nine most overlooked states in the United States of America.
1. Kevin’s Yard
2. Bizarro Carolina
3. Novelty T-Shirt Warehouse
4. Middle Aged (But Still Valuable To This Workplace) Hampshire
5. Pepsi Presents: Idaho
6. The Forbidden Zone
8. Dog Dakota (a place between North and South Dakota populated only by dogs and Welshmen)