It's Dan MacRae

Yesterday, I walked down Jane Street in search of bottles of the new Mountain Dew “DEWmocracy” flavours. WHAT AN IMPORTANT AND HISTORIC MARCH TO FLAVOURTOWN. (Not to be confused with Flavor Country which is a registered trademark of Phillip Morris International and grandmas in surprisingly well maintained NASCAR jackets.) I snagged all four bottles and I’m happy to share my findings with you.

I also bought a Slurpee, but I ended up throwing it out five minutes later because all the Slurpees in the Greater Toronto Area taste like crib death.

Before I begin, I should note that I do not care for regular Mountain Dew. “It tastes like extreme sports!” Really, Mountain Dew? Fuck off. Mountain Dew is one of those sodas I drink once every year or so and go: “yup, still don’t care for it.” (I do the same thing with jazz, college sports and bukkake porn.) I vaguely remember being okay with Mountain Dew: Code Red, but that might have just been a fever dream.

Okay, let’s do this.

Taste Test #1 - Mountain Dew: Code Red

Code Red? What the fuck? I’ve had you before, haven’t I? I mean, I’m hazy about somethings (Today I tried to sort out whether or not I’ve seen Modest Mouse live. I’m 60% sure I have.) but I’m pretty sure I’ve had a bottle of Code Red before. I think the guy from Halo was on the bottle. He was sticking a lazer gun in a social studies textbook’s face.

I reached for this first because if you’re born after 1930, you know that “red” equals “good” in the junk food world. This might taste like berry or melon, but odds are it will taste like “red”. MAYBE IT WILL TASTE LIKE JOSTA! (It won’t, Josta was darker. I miss Josta.)

Code Red tastes sweet and has a (red and pink) Starbursty type spin on citrus-based soda. It tastes alright, it’s mega fizzy and has a candy-like aroma. It’s not a go-to soda option, but it could but put into a rotation of lesser sodas.

Taste Test #2 - Mountain Dew: White Out

Onward to White Out. White Out’s a mostly white colour (with a tinge of blue) and is sorta murky. It’s fluid enough that the bottle doesn’t look like a 591ml container of EXTREME jizz.

I had a vague hope that White Out might taste like one of those white Mr. Freezes. White Mr. Freezes are criminally underrated and also someone should have told me I could have just rolled the wrapper to get the last dregs instead of deep throating the wrapper in front of my classmates to suck out that last bits of ice juice. You failed me, public schools.

White Out smells like Fresca, which is great news for the Troy McClures of the world. Oh shit, this is just bargain bin Fresca isn’t it? (It is.) White Out isn’t really a new soda variety, it’s like the knockoff soda you get from the supermarket. This could easily be labeled Frenchsta or Flexca and be sold for 35 cents a can. I would have preferred the EXTREME jizz.

Taste Test #3 - Mountain Dew: Voltage

Blue! This one’s blue. Not the bright monster blood blue you see in a bottle of Gatorade, but blue is still a fun colour for a soda. Unless it’s Pepsi Blue. You broke my heart, Pepsi Blue. I believed in you.

I noticed that of the ingredients of Voltage is “brominated vegetable oil”. That might be an ingredient of all Mountain Dew varieties. I’ve never really bothered to check. I don’t know what brominated vegetable oil is. Maybe it’s that thing that makes Breton crackers taste like cooked crack! Sweep me off my feet, Voltage!

Voltage doesn’t taste like lightning (OR DOES IT?), but it does taste like candy. Sweet blue candy that tastes like a blue Mr. Freeze. I like Voltage. I should look into drinking brominated vegetable oil out of the drum. (Update: Voltage isn’t the only variety with brominated vegetable oil. Looks like it’s back to good ol’ fashioned alcopop for me.)

Taste Test #4 - Mountain Dew: SuperNova

SPACE DRINK! I’M GONNA DRINK THE COSMOS!

Or maybe I’m drinking the Rock Star: SuperNova of beverages. Ugh, am I going to have Luas Rossi in my mouth? Entertainment Tonight Canada did that for a while, but I at least have an atom of dignity

SuperNova is purple and looks a bit like Vitamin Water. It’s a painfully bland looking drink, maybe it’s the Josh Duhamel of the DEWmocracy series.

I was scared because it smells a bit like Crystal Light (GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE MOM, THIS ISN’T KOOL-AID), but SuperNova has a passable melony flavour to it. It’s not spectacular, but it’s a servicable option.

Project Complete

Three out of four are okayish flavours? I’m good with that. Voltage is probably my favourite. Alright, time to jerk off and get a four piece and a biscuit.