It's Dan MacRae

I’m a big fan of Cuba Gooding Jr. I think it might be because we have a lot in common. We both like hockey, we both have been mistakenly thought to be homosexual while at sea (in his case it was a movie) and we both like the early filmography of Cuba Gooding Jr. As a fan, I want to see Cuba pulled from direct to DVD purgatory and back into the world of major motion pictures. I’m not going to idly sit on the sidelines waiting for this dream come true either, no sir. I’ve written nine film pitches, each one with the power to spring Cuba back to the top of the box office and perched in an aisle seat at the Academy Awards for easy access to Oscar number 2. Get ready to rocket back to the top, Cuba!

9 Films I’m Pitching That Can Restore Cuba Gooding Jr. Back To Movie Star Super Stardom

1. Gazuntite!

In this surefire Oscar contender, Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Dr. Falk Snaubaum, a German otorhinolaryngologist hell bent on stopping the outbreak of mucus-based deaths terrorizing his village. Snaubaum works day and night to create the greatest medical invention of the 1780s: the sneeze. Will the uptight European nasal establishment be able to accept his findings? Let’s hope for the sake of history, they do.

2. Wrapped Up, Locked Up

Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Brock Massachusetts, the best prison warden in the entire “US of A”. After winning Warden Of The Decade at the Wardy Awards, Massachusetts is sent to Egypt on a top secret mission, to be the warden at a prison for Mummies. Will his unconventional American warden tactics work or will he be felled by a prison riot started by King Tut (played by Emile Hirsch) and his cadre of supernatural buddies? The film is based on the true story of the Cairo Pyramid Riot of 1988.

3. Multiplicity -1

Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Teddy Sunscreen is this long overdue prequel to the beloved Michael Keaton hit. The film focuses on the origin story of how Michael Keaton’s character was born and developed a love of multiplying himself. Teddy Sunscreen plays the nurturing best friend to Keaton’s mother that employed her at his local cloning parlour. Bouts of soft romance ensue.

4. Dog Day Afternoonaroo (title slightly changed to avoid confusion with Dog Day Afternoon)

In this heart warming family comedy, Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Skip Tulmont, a US Marine that has recently completed a dangerous mission in Afghanistan. To keep busy, he takes a job as the local dogcatcher. He finds catching dogs a little bit trickier than defeating Al-Qaeda. Especially when he meets a lovable bulldog named Flufferball (voiced by Helen Mirren) that teaches him about compassion. Watch out Skip, that dog’s got a lot of sass and a lot of gas! Will Skip turn in the dogs he captures to the pound or will he take over his uncle’s farm in Maryland and let them run free and preform CGI line dance routines? Find out on Memorial Day Weekend 2013.

5. Stand By Me Brother

In this gritty biopic, Cuba Gooding Jr. plays both Liam and Noel Gallagher. The film focuses on the Gallagher brothers’ rise from hard luck lads from Manchester to the superstars they would become in Beady Eye and Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds respectively. Expect the Cuba sung soundtrack (using only songs from Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants) to clean up at the Teen Choice Awards.

6. Boner City USA

In this playful romp, Cuba Gooding Jr. stars as Richmond Boner, mayor of Boner City USA. It’s a city where the name of the game is chasing tail and performing Civil War re-enactments. When dead Civil War soldiers rise up and terrorize the city, it’s up to Mayor Boner and his city of horny constituents to fend off the zombies using their sexual hijinx. Christopher Plummer shines as the General Robert E. Lee zombie that Mayor Boner and his true love Belinda Buttboozler (played by Michelle Wiliams) end up of having a 69 on top of. The soundtrack is composed entirely of Sugar Ray songs performed by Smash Mouth.

7. Pool Cops

Based on the award winning idea a tired Dan MacRae once mumbled during a cable access TV show meeting, Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Lt. Spitz Babydoll, an emerging force in the Detroit Metro Public Pool Police Department. After unraveling an illegal chlorine trafficking scheme happening in his pool, he finds the flutter board of corruption has kicked its way all the way to the deep end. It’s up to Lt. Babydoll to keep his head above water as he treads further into a whirlpool of department malfeasance and organized crime urine that has polluted the water (this urine is both figurative and literal). Also there may be dolphins in it. Depends on the budget. Step your budget game up, Weinstein Company.

8. Let ‘Em Have It Lance

In this exhaustively historically researched sports drama, Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Juniper Treble, the little known U.S. spy that foiled France’s many attempts to fraudulently depict American hero Lance Armstrong as a drug cheat. This film covers Treble’s efforts in the late 90s and 2000s to stop the French government’s attempts to frame the beloved Sheryl Crow penetrating cyclist. Using a series of impromptu inventions (including a remote controlled robocyclist named George Hincapie) and his yellow bracelet that grants superstealth, Treble is truly the quietest American hero on and off two wheels.

9. Jerry Maguire

In this remake of the critically acclaimed 1996 Cameron Crowe film, Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Rod Tidwell, wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals. The film focuses on Tidwell’s agent, Jerry Maguire (played by Tom Cruise) and his struggles adapting to life after having a crisis of conscious while working for and being fired from a big sports management agency. Also all the characters will be wearing powdered wigs.

See you at the Oscars, Cuba!