It's Dan MacRae

In 2004, Channel 4 released their list of the “One Hundred Worst Pop Records”. In 2010, Dan MacRae (in a fit of drunken hubris) declared he would listen to all of the listed songs and comment about them on his blog. He made it 10% through. In 2011, Dan MacRae (in a fit of drunker hubris) declared would finish the project. He made it a bit further along. In 2012, Dan MacRae (in a rare bit of sobriety but still chock full of hubris) declared he might finally complete the project. Let’s see how this goes.

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30. Michael Bolton - Can I Touch You…There? (Highest UK Chart Position: #6)

Presumably, Michael Bolton would like to touch your genitals. He doesn’t say it specifically because it’s all symbolism and stuff. Sure, Bolton’s saying he’s going to touch your heart (note: physicians recommend against having people jab their fingers in your heart), but this is a song for lovemaking. A terrible, weird song for dry weird lovemaking.

Of course, opinions vary on the sexiness of this track. Which is why the accompanying video is a fanmade clip combining 9 1/2 Weeks and “Can I Touch You…There”. As someone that’s waded the treacherous waters of streaming porn sites, I feel comfortable in declaring bewilderment that anyone could find the combination of Rourke n’ Basinger food-sexing and Michael Bolton “sensuality” to be erotic in any capacity.

Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: Yes.

29. Richard Blackwell - Mama - Who Da Man (Highest UK Chart Position: #3)

Non threatening British man does something sort of rapping-esque for a bit over four minutes. That’s all I can really extract from this. Blackwell could be bragging (he challenged the British comedy establishment, which probably blew tore the cast of Dad’s Army a new asshole, right?), but it’s mostly a friendly piece of fluff that doesn’t ruffle any feathers. It’s the sort of song that I imagine happens at a big corporate mixer where the Kyle in Marketing (he’s the resident goofball!) sings about how the company has improved morale and profits at the same time.

Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: No.

28. Catherine Zeta-Jones - For All Time (Highest UK Chart Position: #36)

Before Catherine Zeta-Jones dipped under the laser sensor in Entrapment (that was like the entire marketing push for that movie: “Come watch Sean Connery get an erection staring at a woman’s butt avoid laser detection. Plus heist stuff!”), she apparently had a bit of a music career. In particular, she troubled the chart with something from a concept album about Spartacus.

“For All Time” is big goofy atmosphere music that I imagine my Dad would love he were able to get his hands on it in the early 90s. For All Time is influenced by Spartacus, but it really sounds like something designed for doing sit-ups in front motivational posters. It might also be a good soundtrack for the softcore porn stuff that happens on the TV series Spartacus.

Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: No.

27. Spice Girls - Wannabe (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)

Not only is “Wannabe” a spectacular track, but they really freak out The Establishment in a delightful way in this video. If you broke into IMF World Headquarters and starting doing gymnastics on their tables, everyone’s brains would melt out their ears.

Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: No.

26. Vanilla - No Way No Way (Highest UK Chart Position: #14)

Hahahahahahahahaha!HowComeNoOneToldMeAboutThis?Hahahahahahahahaha!(/passes out) Holy shit, this is incredible. “No Way No Way” combines “Mahna Mahna” and arrogant laziness into one amazing mess. THE FUCKING BALLS ON THIS THING! Awful but essential listening.

Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: Yes.

25. Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)

When the world experienced Titanic Fever (not to be confused with hypothermia), the world also experienced Bombastic Song About Love In The Midst Of A Ship Disaster Fever. “My Heart Will Go On” isn’t subtle, it’s a brain strangling piece of loud emotion. It’s not a fun listen, it’s a gargantuan chore. You can’t focus when “My Heart Will Go On” plays, instead the song just murders all thought and joy in the room. Whatever joy you can extract from its schmaltz are quickly snuffed out by intense self-seriousness.

Also, check out the video of Celine live performance of the song. Hatchie Matchie! Kim Jong il’s ghost would be all like, “could you tone it down a bit?” and shit.

Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: Yes.

24. Chris de Burgh - Lady In Red (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)

My dad put “The Spanish Train” on the car stereo during a cross-province drive when I was six. I had a mental breakdown while listening to it and I think it is one of the factors why I have OCD. Fuck you Chris de Burgh, you fucking fuck.

Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: Yes.

23. Michael Jackson - Earth Song (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)

(/makes so-so hand motion gesture, contemplates whether or not to put away the recycling tomorrow)

Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: No.

22. Teletubbies - Teletubbies say “Eh-Oh” (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)

Children’s television in England seems like a concentrated effort to be the opposite of PBS. This of course is a grand exaggeration, but the Teletubbies always felt like television designed to rip all the important lobes out of a child’s brain. That’d be a cool exercise in kids TV nihilism if it weren’t for the fact that Teletubbies were a miserable chore to watch. “Teletubbies say ‘Eh-Oh’” is as irritating, repetitive and soulless as the program the song was barfed out of.

Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: Yes.

21. St. Winifred’s School Choir - There’s No One Quite Like Grandma (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)

Fucking eat it, Grandad. A song about Grandma is on the charts!

I wonder if the girls in the choir came up with the lyrics. It’s just the same bits kind of trudging over and over, complete with a bit about how they will think of her after they’ve grown up and she’s dead in the cold cold ground. It’s a good natured song, but I’d feel awful serenading my grandmother with this song. I’d probably just go with Luke’s “It’s Your Birthday”, instead. All I’d have to do is make all the names into “Grandma”. “Go Grandma it’s your birthday”, etc. I think my grandma would love that.

Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: No.