When I watch soccer, my default rooting interest is Scotland, which isn’t a rooting interest that breeds a lot of exciting results. Unless you measure exciting results in Del Amitri songs and a decade plus without a major international tournament appearance. Cheering for Scotland is a bit like being Gretchen Weiners in Mean Girls and wanting to make “fetch” happen. Dan, stop trying to make Scotland happen! It’s not going to happen! I still have hope but I can feel the cleat marks of the 2014 World Cup qualification stage already on my balls. Fuck you Croatia, Serbia and Belgium. You are going to tear my hopes and dreams to ribbons and eccentric locals are going to make folk art out of those hope n’ dream ribbons.
In the last World Cup, I was brought my valuable skills of “pout-glaring at TVs”, “pathetic angry gesturing” and “shouting curse word hybrids” to the U.S. side. I root for America in international soccer because I find the U.S. to be the most relatable club out there. They look like me, they talk like me, my Grandma’s American. It just works for me. Also, I’m a North American sports fan, so I place a ridiculous value on the USA’s tough guy posturing and minimal interest in diving. I lost my mind when Landon Donovan notched that header against Algeria in 2010. That said, if Canada ever punches its way out of CONCACAF qualifying, I’ll be all up on that bandwagon.
For Euro 2012, i’m a man without a country. Scotland’s out because they didn’t qualify and the United States are out because they’re UEFA-eligible for obvious reasons. So who should I root for? I have a lot of clubs in the tournament I can’t stand (England, Italy, Netherlands, Portugal, Greece, France, among others), but I’m having trouble finding one that speaks to me. Should I root for Ireland? I’m partially Irish, I fear the sun, I felt personally slighted by Henry’s hand ball in World Cup 2010 qualifying. Or should I find someone else to get buckwild for? Am I being too harsh on the clubs I hate? (Note: I’m not.) Am I missing out on something? I need your help, internet!
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Who should I root for in Euro 2012?