It's Dan MacRae

In 2004, Channel 4 released their list of the “One Hundred Worst Pop Records”. In 2010, Dan MacRae (in a fit of drunken hubris) declared he would listen to all of the listed songs and comment about them on his blog. He made it 10% through. In 2011, Dan MacRae (in a fit of drunker hubris) declared would finish the project. Let’s see how this goes.

90. Richard Harris - MacArthur Park (Highest UK Chart Position: #4)

MacArthur Park gets a lot of teasing for being a song about a cake left out in the rain. This teasing is unfair because the cake in the song is a metaphorical cake. (Green icing being an icing rich in symbolism and looking kind of like flowery stuff.) That said, the teasing about MacArthur Park being a terrible song is valid because it is in fact a horrible fucking song.

On the plus side, MacArthur Park gave us this.

MacArthur Parker: Troy, my man, it’s MacArthur Parker.

Troy McClure: MacArthur Parker the agent? MacArthur Parker, my agent?

Parker: Heh heh, just checking in my friend. So how’s my favourite client?

McClure: We haven’t spoken in eight years.

Parker: Yes, so I saw the papers today Troy, looking good. That wholesome stuff really works when I’m trying to find you work.

McClure: You haven’t found me work in twelve years!

Parker: (laughs) Oh you, jury duty is work.

So that’s a bit of a silver lining.

Does It Deserve To Be On The List?: Yes.

89. The Wombles - Remember You’re A Womble (Highest UK Chart Position: #3)

So what exactly is a Womble? Based on the video for the song, Wombles are known for disputing hotel bills, taking baths and reading the paper. So essentially a Womble is a furry Grandpa with a penchant for vaguely folksy inoffensive PBS rock. This may also apply to Paul McCartney at assorted points (I could picture McCartney disputing the Hell out of a room service bill).

For a bubbly kids song about the day-to-day affairs of Wombles, it isn’t half-bad. It sounds sort of like something that would proposed for one of those Rhino power-pop box sets but wouldn’t make it past the second round. Such is the life of a Womble.

Does It Deserve To Be On The List?: No.

88. Lionel Richie - Hello (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)

For such an iconic song, it’s surprisingly difficult to to extract the tune from its accompanying video. As a song, Hello is sappy, ridiculous and a bit like a Zales commercial come to life. But as a music video, Hello is somehow sappier, more ridiculous and even more like a Zales commercial come to life. It’s an Olympian feat of cheesiness and as a result it’s hard to hate on either Richie or Clay Richie (who, despite being clay, has contributed more to society than Nicole Richie).

That’s the tricky thing with Hello: It’s not detestable, it’s just silly. You wouldn’t want to listen to Hello in back-to-back sittings, but there’s a weird warm joy that comes experiencing its nonsense. Also it’s neat to think of all the weird awkward adult contemporary sex that has been sexed to this song.

Does It Deserve To Be On The List?: No.

87. Whigfield - Saturday Night (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)

“It’s party time and not one minute we can lose”, indeed. As an impressionable nine year old there few things more intoxicating than hearing that “dee dee na na na” at the beginning of the track. I was head-over-heels in love with song and I was so naive that I didn’t realize that the opening of the song normally meant I would be stuck watching something horrible in a school assembly. “Saturday Night” was the go-to jam for traveling Double Dutch groups, amateur dance ensembles and drug abstinence awareness teams. For something so fun and buoyant I was trapped always listening to it in a variety of awful circumstances.

I’m still googly-eyed about this track and if I’m ever tricked into going to a club-like setting I hope to hear it blasting from the speakers in jubilant non-ironic form. (I will allow semi-ironic air keyboarding, though.)

Does It Deserve To Be On The List?: No.

86. Renée & Renato - Save Your Love (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)

Save Your Love scored the prestigious Christmas #1 in 1983 (which is a big thing in England, like the class system or giving a shit who Graham Norton is) and I can’t quite figure out why. I’m not sure if it had something to do with  Renato’s sorta unique voice or maybe his duet partner Renée was a cyborg dentist from beyond the moon (I haven’t read anything confirming that theory), but it just seems baffling. This is a song that sounds like it was built in a lab to be used in a shitball pasta commercial and promptly forgotten about.

Does It Deserve To Be On The List?: Yes.

85. Naomi Campbell - Love And Tears (Highest UK Chart Position: #40)

What legacy will Naomi Campbell live behind? Will it be her work as a supermodel? Maybe her humanitarian efforts? (Mia Farrow is nothing but a snitch!) Or possibly her groundbreaking work at throwing things at people she considers beneath her? Sadly, Naomi’s singing career will likely only be a footnote (unless you’re in Japan, where her debut sold over a million copies).

Love and Tears (taken from the amazingly-titled Baby Woman) is a sprawling, directionless mess. For something aiming half-assedly at being earnest and vulnerable, it somehow comes across insanely smug. It’s like the song itself is an asshole. You can practically hear Love and Tears kicking an assistant in the ribs and threatening to deport them. It’s actually quite an achievement. That would make for a good legacy, really.

Does It Deserve To Be On The List?: Yes.

84. PJ & Duncan - Let’s Get Ready To Rhumble (Highest UK Chart Position: #9)

I’m not sure if things are different with PJ & Duncan now that they’re Ant & Dec, but this is kind of like being “rapped” at by a bowl of cereal. I’m sure this was aimed at small children, but I think kids could handle something just a little less soulless. No wonder Billie Piper was such a smash a few years later. She must have looked like fucking Kool Keith.

Does It Deserve To Be On The List?: Yes.

83. Starship - We Built This City (Highest UK Chart Position: #12)

I hate Jefferson Airplane. Just absolutely fucking hate them. Whenever I hear White Rabbit I want to throttle somebody (preferably someone in Jefferson Airplane). So not only do I enjoy We Built This City for being deliriously stupid but I also kind of enjoy it on a sick schadenfreude level of as well. I don’t really care enough about Grace Slick to be outraged that she went into the world of corporate rock, I just like that my favourite song of hers is about how “Marconi plays the mamba.”

Everything is just so amazing in the song. The ridiculously pompous lyrics, the fun little keyboard stabs, the radio report wedged into the proceedings for extra importance (sadly, it’s missing from the equally entertaining video). It’s just too beautiful for this world. Irony, overuse and campy winks have at times drained the fun factor out this song, but give it some rest and it becomes glorious and magical all over again.

Does It Deserve To Be On The List?: Yes. (But in sort of a good way.)

82. Rod Stewart - Da Ya Think I’m Sexy? (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)

Upon re-review, Da Ya Think I’m Sexy is an enjoyable enough disco confection that’s quite charming when it isn’t being done by middle aged drunk at karaoke that does more pelvic thrusting than singing (although in some cases that’s the best way to see karaoke being done). I like to imagine there are pockets of the world where people mainly know this as the sample to Do You Think I’m Jiggy by The LOX. I know that’s not the case (even for Styles P’s children), but I enjoy the fantasy.

Does It Deserve To Be On The List?: No.

81. Madonna - American Pie (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)

Madonna’s version of American Pie is an improvement on the Don Maclean original for two valid and equally important reasons: 1) It’s shorter. 2) I don’t have to hear it as much. And, well, that’s about it I suppose.

It should noted that the video accompanying American Pie is a terrible sneaker mash of self-important shit. Y’know, cause Madonna understands the real America and all that. Go fuck yourself, Madge.

Does It Deserve To Be On The List?: No.