I tell jokes and write things because I am bad at sports.
In 2004, Channel 4 released their list of the “One Hundred Worst Pop Records”. In 2010, Dan MacRae (in a fit of drunken hubris) declared he would listen to all of the listed songs and comment about them on his blog. He made it 10% through. In 2011, Dan MacRae (in a fit of drunker hubris) declared would finish the project. Let’s see how this goes.
Entries 100-91
Entries 90-81
Entries 80-71
Entries 70-61
Entries 61-50
Entries 51-40
40. Sylvia - Y Viva Espania (Highest UK Chart Position: #4)
The most thumbed up comment on YouTube for this video is “I would definitely give her one”. (This means a lot of people would not feel inconvenienced if they were asked to have sex with a person from the past.) I’m fond of the most recent comment I came across:
“a real woman
not like now all women is fake”
There you go, Sylvia Vrethammar is what “a real woman” is. Presumably because of the hat. Take that image-making media vampires!
Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: Yes.
39. Grange Hill Cast - Just Say No (Highest UK Chart Position: #5)
I have limited context on this, so I’ll just continue doing the “let’s think of the Canadian equivalent would be” thing in my head. I’m conjuring up the cast of Degrassi Junior High performing Drugs, Drugs, Drugs. This of course would likely be historically inaccurate, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have a hard imagine about it. (Now I’m imagining what I would look like if I were a Panamanian business tycoon! Imagining is fun!)
Rapping! There’s rapping in this. And saxophones (the sound of urban struggle!). And it’s not half bad really. Granted, it’s no Stop The Madness.
No celebrity anti-drug video is better than Stop The Madness. You could build ten thousand celebrity anti-drug video labs in ten thousand cities and you could never come up with anything as amazing as Stop The Madness. Where was going with this? Right, Just Say No does not deserve to be on the list.
Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: No.
38. Sabrina - Boys (Summertime Love) (Highest UK Chart Position: #3)
You can see Sabrina’s boobs at assorted points in the video. Boys (Summertime Love) starts out with general nipple glimpses and just kind of gives up and lets breasts just exist and thrive for longer stretches. It’s not so much a music video as a challenge to horny teens in the 80s to store up all the images of breasts they can for the long stretches where there is no toplessness on television. I had Baby Blue movies and art films on Bravo, it appears a couple generations before me sustained themselves on unapologetically pervy music videos. Who am I to judge?
Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: No.
37. Los Del Rio - Macarena (Highest UK Chart Position: #2)
Has enough time passed to not be scarred by this? No. I was in Elementary School when Macarena was very important to people and it was oppressively inescapable. The song’s global popularity meant every dance, school assembly, wedding, sporting event, court hearing, city council meeting, parliamentary debate over euthanasia, would include a group performance of Macarena. It’s one thing to have a song you hate, it’s another to be bullied into doing a synchronized dance corresponding to it everywhere you go. Also, those cunts at Michelina’s kept using this song for their microwavable dinner commercials for a near half decade after the popularity of the song waned. Why couldn’t we have hopped on the Las Ketchup fad instead?
Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: Yes.
36. Cher - Believe (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)
There are two questions you have to ask when talking about Believe. 1) What do you want from a Cher song in 1998? 2) Did this song achieve those aims. Believe isn’t fantastic, but it seems the appropriate bit of camp Cher knocks out every once in a while to remind you that she is a thing that exists. (This phenomenon occasional occurs with large scale medication poisoning, but Believe is somewhat better than medication poisoning.)
Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: No.
35. Little Jimmy Osmond - Long Haired Lover From Liverpool (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)
Fucking step it back Little Jimmy, you’re coming across desperate. You’re coming across a bit creepy. (Fucking eat it child from the past singing a song because it was his job! Kapow!)
Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: Yes.
34. Britney Spears - Lucky (Highest UK Chart Position: #5)
This is going to going a bit about Past Britney vs. Presentish Britney. Probably good to just cover up this part of the computer screen with masking tape and moving on to something (anything) more relevant.
Lucky is campy and fluffy and silly (“Lucky” is the stand-in “Britney” because the Who The Fuck Knows Train has derailed of whatever), but it feels way more genuine than the past half-decade plus of tortured Britney self-awareness. Britney can fuck, fight or self-harm herself as much as she likes in videos, it still doesn’t feel all that much more real than Britney’s ballad about poor ol’ lucky. Who knew you could be a lot more relatable writing for tweens than adults? Max Martin, that’s who.
Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: No.
33. Glenn & Chris - Diamond Lights (Highest UK Chart Position: #12)
Two (presumably) star soccer players team up for that father and son song magic. It’s just what the doctor ordered. Y’know, if you have a shitty doctor that orders things wrong all the time and gives you grandiose pompous shitballery instead of medicine.
Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: Yes.
32. Gareth Gates - Suspicious Minds (Highest UK Chart Position: #1)
This won’t make any sense to put in print, but I don’t mind the Toploader version of Dancing In The Moonlight. It’s probably just a product of hearing that version before the King Harvest version. I’m not sure if kids in England will feel the same way about the Gareth-ized version of Suspicious Minds. There’s nothing inherently evil about this version, it just feels like a cover George Michael would do if he had a disease that caused him to have a soul deficiency. Bad, not evil. (But not in a fun Shangri-Las sort of way.)
Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: Yes
31. The Tweets - The Birdie Song (Highest UK Chart Position: #2)
*Clap* *Clap* *Clap* *Clap*
If you’re ever bored at a wedding, sing along to The Birdie Song with pretend lyrics and get visibly upset that other people don’t know the words. It’s a great way to kill time while at the same time wrestling attention away from the bride and groom.
Does It Deserve To Be On This List?: Yes
