It's Dan MacRae

Sensato f Pitbull - Booty Booty *brain explodes into 35000...

Sun, 19 May 2013 17:06:46 -0400

Sensato f Pitbull - Booty Booty

*brain explodes into 35000 pieces*

James Leroy - Wasting Our Time Perfect for pretending that...

Sun, 19 May 2013 17:02:57 -0400

James Leroy - Wasting Our Time

Perfect for pretending that credits are rolling over top of you while you’re on your way to the grocery store.

Eurovision Grand Final - Instant Blurb Explosion

Sat, 18 May 2013 18:30:55 -0400

And here we are. The Grand Final Super Supreme Showdown Mega Turbo 3DO Hyper Championship Edition portion of Eurovision.

*mild drizzle of pyro*

Fuck me, if that terrible entry from the Netherlands wins, I will be inconsolable. So many windmills burned in effigy. And that would also be devastating because I hold Old Dutch potato chips in such high regard.

I’m watching this live from the confines of my glamourous Toronto apartment. I have beer, malt liquor and Kool-Aid stockpiled for this magical afternoon of singing and Petra Mede looking like the Queen of Europe. MAYBE MONTENEGRO WILL ZIPLINE INTO THE PROCEEDINGS!

And we are live! Things kick off with an intro package highlighting Sweden’s victory at last year’s Eurovision and a caterpillar going on a journey across Europe to visit Malmo. Things switch to an intro with an opening ceremony type vibe. Competitors and their flags are trotted out to the sounds of a Björn and Benny (and Avicii) composition. I’m starting to worry that Belarus could win. NOT ON MY WATCH!

Petra Mede’s out and doing some light joking around. She’s dressed like she’s in a remake of The Fifth Element that’s been sponsored by Reitmans.

France: France kicks things off with a rockish number that has the singer waggling her arms around in a way that suggests she’s playing “water” in an improv game. It’s a bit of Adele mixed with Melissa Etheridge whisked with Bonnie Raitt. Nothing too special, nothing too terrible.

Lithuania: The gentle non-threatening soft rock sounds of Lithuania return! The singer has added a lot more Clone High gesturing to his routine. Strong move. It won’t win, but it has its dorky charms.

Moldova: Still fun to see this singer and her elevating dress of flames. OH AND THE LIGHTNING STRIKES! CAN YOU FEEL THE ELECTRICITY?

Finland: If Finland doesn’t win, I’ll throw this laptop directly into the sun. This song is incredible, so’s the performance. The backup singer face acting should be studied in schools. SOME OF THE BEST DANCE MARCHING IN THE HISTORY OF POP MUSIC. Amazing. DING DONG indeed!

Spain: Next up, Spain. I have high hopes. I don’t understand why the don’t send out someone from Elefant Records each year, but here we are. Bagpipes, eh? Or are these some sort of Spanish bagpipes? Things switch to Natalie Merchanty songness with a big chorus. It’s not what I was hoping for, but it’s not bad at all for what it is. A man electric guitars out with much electric guitariness.

Belgium: I wasn’t a fan of Belgium’s entry when I caught it during the semis, but I was hoping I’d get to see this guy come back and do some pointing while his backup dancers moved awkwardly behind him. That’s what I’m getting here, so I’m comfortable with this.

Estonia: The black and white into colour visual trick returns. This leads me to believe that Pleasantville was huge in Estonia. This is the sort of ballad that isn’t terrible and will be okay to have in a 10 second burst when they do the recap before the voting lines close.

Belarus: This could be a dark horse. I stand by my absolute hatred of it though.

Malta: Malta’s gentle credit card jingle of a tune returns. There are lyrics on the video screen behind these NOT THREATENING NON THREATENERS. So feel free to tattoo the words of this song on the inside of your wrist inside the outline of a koala. My mom would love this.

Russia: This sounds like what happens whenever Glee tries to do an original song. BUT WHAT IF WE BURIED OUR GUNS AND TAUGHT OUR CHILDREN TO READ AND STARTED RECYCLING AND SENT MORE HANDWRITTEN LETTERS TO OUR MOMS?

Germany: The singer from Germany is dancing atop a series of steps. She’s showing she’s literally not down to earth like the girl that sang “Satellite”. A bold move! It’s a big ol’ dance banger of a pop tune. A quite good one too. Wouldn’t be unhappy if this placed highly.

Armenia: Ugh, this miserable slosh of a rock tune again. Right, off to pee and grab another beer. (It’s my first go-around with Brooklyn Lager. I like it.)

Ugh, comedy segment with a British lady from the semis. Piss off. DO YOU LIKE BROAD EUROVISION COMEDY? WE WILL FIREHOSE IT INTO YOUR STOMACH!

Netherlands: I hate this entry so much. It’s just a dreary gruel fart of a tune. Holland should be banned from having access to sounds for a year as punishment. Boo! Hiss! So forth!

Romania: Still the second best entry from Eurovision this year. Romania is bringing that intergalactic realness.

United Kingdom: Bonnie Tyler is here with her voice at MAXIMUM BONNIE TYLERdom. Is this written by Jim Steinman? It should have been written by Jim Steinman. It’d be like 20 minutes long, but it’d be way better. The chorus saves things a bit, but the non-chorusy bits are rough. Your move, Thom Yorke or whoever.

Sweden: Uptempo pop bigness on display here. It has something resembling a tune, but it doesn’t really connect. Where’s Le Kid when you need them?

Hungary: I stand by this being an agreeable track that would sound great on mid 90s Top 40 radio. Not hard to imagine this popping up in a sitcom for a montage of “oh no breakup sadness”.

Denmark: I’m not as sold on this as everyone else. That said, it’s good and I prefer Danish Shakira to Belarusian Shakira. (Keep that in mind if you’re doing an international Shakira ranking in the near future.)

Iceland: Behold! The competent balladry of Iceland. Still sounds like something from a cartoon elf’s funeral.

Azerbaijan: The man atop the box return. The song’s not great, but the man knows how to smoulder. He smoulders at a professional level.

Greece: Greek ska! It’s back and well…that’s about it. Greek David Crosby’s still a stern delight.

Ukraine: This entry’s really grown on me. A big megacharged tune that sounds like something Celine Dion might sing in a musical about emotionally conflicted robots.

Italy: A dignified bit of a dude in a suit singing a big swelling Lite FM number. WILL HE MAKE IT TO THE AIRPORT ON TIME TO STOP HIS GIRLFRIEND BEFORE SHE MOVES TO FRANCE TO STUDY ART?

Norway: Still quite fond of this. It’s a steamroller of a song. If you need someone to write a song that would sound great in a futuristic bank heist, get Norway on the phone.

Georgia: Sailing on a sea of dreams is kind of boring when you sing about it. Dream pirates should be exciting! (They’re not.)

Ireland: Is Ireland’s entry still horrible? It is? That’s a timesaver. Also all these songs about dancing/living like death comes tomorrow can fuck off. Or if you’re gonna do one of those songs, just make it sheer panic and looting.

So ends the performance portion. Jean Paul Gauthier designed Petra’s outfit, which validates my earlier statement to some extent. I’m still sad we had no Montenegro. I also found myself missing Latvia and Israel.

My ranking of the Eurovision entries ranked from best to worst

Finland

Romania

Germany

Hungary

Norway

Ukraine

Denmark

Lithuania (the song sounds like it’s sung by a socially awkward Dracula, maybe that’s why I’m ranking it higher than I should)

Spain

Moldova

Iceland

Malta

Italy

France

Greece

Sweden

Belgium

United Kingdom

Estonia

Azerbaijan

Georgia

Russia

Ireland

Armenia

Belarus

Netherlands

We’re back to Petra. She’s introducing Loreen, who has a fancy video thing going on in the background. She’s wearing a Legion of Doom style set of shoulderpads made out of feathers. Her backup dancers are in air force style jumpsuits and swinging around white flags. It’s a performance that would probably get a North American pop star arrested for treason.

We get another recap of who you can vote for. I’m reminded that Switzerland didn’t make it into the final. That’s thrilling news!

*internet goes out*

*modem is in the landlord’s part of house*

*flips breaker to force everything in the house to restart*

There’s an elaborate musical number about Sweden that I’ve come back to. It manages to be as annoying as when Canada does this sort of thing.

There’s a video package about the history of Eurovision. Some fun video shenanigoats follow and we’re thrown to Eric Saade dicking about.

Now we’ve got a performance of The Winner Takes It All because GET IT? (Not done by ABBA, mind you.)

We’ve moved on to the results! Loads of uncomfortable banter and fucking over Finland.

*nine hours of vote results later*

Denmark has won. It’s been good Eurovisioning with you.

Kid Creole and the Coconuts - Endicott I’d watch an eight...

Sat, 18 May 2013 14:12:45 -0400

Kid Creole and the Coconuts - Endicott

I’d watch an eight part documentary series on the mysteries of Kid Creole’s mustache, if such a thing were available.

The Clinton Countdown - Commercial Y’all done got goofed...

Fri, 17 May 2013 19:25:49 -0400

The Clinton Countdown - Commercial

Y’all done got goofed on in calendar form, Clintons!

Selective Service - PSA Selective Service Fever: Catch It!...

Fri, 17 May 2013 19:16:00 -0400

Selective Service - PSA

Selective Service Fever: Catch It! (Because it’s the law.)

Eurovision Semi-Final 2: Instant Blurb Explosion

Thu, 16 May 2013 16:42:22 -0400

It’s happening! Again! Semi-Final 2! Catch some of the assorted flavours of Europe in one cheesy, ballady, ridiculously costumed go.

REMEMBER: All the contestants are members of each country’s parliament.

I have to split before this semi-final’s over to catch a bus to go see Room 237, so this will be sort of an incomplete roundup.

HA! BIKES! JUMPING! BITS OF STUFF WITH LIGHTS! YOUTH CULTURE! A KEYBOARD’S THERE TOO! LET’S ALL OPEN QUICKEN AND LIVE THE LIFE THAT WAS PROMISED TO US BY THE JETSONS!

Petra Mede’s back as host. She’s a delight.

Things I Would Join The Military And Fight In A War About

1) Getting my WiFi back after it goes out for a brief bit.

2) For whatever whim suits Petra Mede. She’s like a SuperQueen or something.

Fin.

Let the second semi begin!

Latvia: HOLY SHIT THESE GUYS WANT THE CROWD TO MAKE SOME NOISE! This group looks like they’re dressed by Macklemore’s Latvian cousin. They would like everyone to have a good time. There’s stagediving and friendly “say woo! say yay!” business. “May the force be with you” is said. It’s sort of like a bunch of zany young uncles were rounded up at the bus station and asked to do a bit of rapping that was originally written for a wedding. You wouldn’t put up with this shit in North America, but it’s a lot more fun when it’s done by Latvians. Arturs Irbe approves, I assume.

San Marino: We get a ballad that’s very dramatic and sung to a glowing ball. The singer is dressed in a big ol’ flowy dress to let you know that she’s at MAXIMUM DRAMA. It’s not great, it’s not bad, it swells at the appropriate moments. It’s passable. She’s dressed like a butterfly, which I appreciate.

FYR Macedonia: There was a dude singing a bit of slow stuff over sorta lasery music, but HOLD THE PHONE MABEL BECAUSE THIS LADY IN RED IS COMING AT AND KICKING ALL THE ASS THAT’S AVAILABLE! They’ve sort of divided the song up in a “boring bit”/”funnish bit” sort of way.

Azerbaijan: The entry from Azerbaijan is crouched on a glass box giving MAXIMUM SMOULDER. Wait a sec, there’s a man inside the box! IS THAT MAN WHO HE IS INSIDE? OH NO! THE BOX IS FILLING WITH SOME SORT OF PINK PAPER OR PETALS? The song’s a drippy ballad that farts around searching for something resembling a tune and never finds it, but full credit on knocking out a fun performance.

Finland: It’s over! Give her all the money, prizes and enchanted amulets. This song is a sparkly banner, she’s a treasure and the performance hits like a fucking wrecking ball. IT ENDS WITH THE SINGER KISSING HER LADY BACKUP SINGER BECAUSE IT WAS A PROGRESSIVE BIT OF GAY MARRIAGE STUFF MASQUERADING AS AN OLD TIMEY SEXIST APPROACH TO GENDER ROLES IN MARRIAGE! AWESOME HOLY FUCKING SHIT! TRASHY! CATCHY! FUN! CLEVER! I’M HYPERVENTILATING AND LOSING MY MIND!

Ugh, this EBU rep character is back. This is miserable.

Matla: Malta have entered a gentle credit commercial of a jingle in this competition. My brain knows it’s not particularly great, but it’s okay enough for this guy. Gentle charms, whisk me away!

Bulgaria: Big drums and silly dance sounds? Look at ‘em drum at the drum wall and smack on each other’s drum sticks. I could spend an afternoon at their drumming fantasy camp. Like all things at Eurovision, the dubstep wobble gets wedged partway through. Not bad.

Iceland: A man that looks like every one that’s won a technical award at the Oscars comes out to sing a gentle ballad. It’s not bad. It’s the sort of song that marches on and would not be out of place in an animated film where a bunch of elves attend a funeral.

Greece: There’s a man with an electric guitar in the intro video. He is probably not Yanni. *read name* I can confirm that he is not Yanni. There’s a Greek David Crosby though. There’s an upbeat tune with horns and something that sounds a very gentle Greek approach to ska.

Israel: A big ballad from a woman with big glasses and quite possibly the most boob-flattering dress in recent memory. Eurovision has a lot of songs like this where it feels like the song is building to something but it never gets there. Every country should write “BIG AND/OR GOOD CHORUS PLEASE” on their hand before picking a contestant.

Armenia: Sensitive rock dude slow song action from Armenia. System of a Down these guys are not. This entry sounds a bit like Daughtry. They also have fire. It’s not great.

Hungary: We’ve been informed by a thing on the screen that this is the Zoohacker remix. SO HOLD ONTO YOUR SHIT! (Maybe. I don’t know who Zoohacker is.) This entry is an agreeable mid 90s sounding lite FM pop offering that would cross over on modern rock radio. If I can get super Canadian for a sec, the two dudes in the band look like “total goofs”. I was waiting for things to get all Zoohackery. I guess Zoohackery means something that can be sandwiched in between Duncan Sheik and Donna Lewis.

Norway: I like this. It sounds like Robocop twirling around fabulously/menacingly in a Laser Quest. There’s also exciting neck movement action going on. The singer has the confidence of a conquering royal stepping on the skulls of her enemies as she steps to the throne.

We get another host segment where we get an interview with the first winner of Eurovision. I’m listening to what she has to say and I’m also checking to see if I accidentally referred to the host as Puma Swede at any point during this blurbbery.

Albania: Albania are represented by rock men. The lead singer is dressed in Criss Angel chic. Ugh, this isn’t very good. Tony Iommi wrote this, apparently. Sparks are coming out of the guitarist’s guitar, which is kind of okay. I appreciate the effort.

Georgia: Fog watch! Lots of fog on the stage. A man and a woman sing a bland song to one another. I’m being a bit harsh. It’s not bad. It’s the sort of thing you might here in a Georgian musical about the power of fog. FOG.

Switzerland: Switzerland appears to be represented by a group of waiters on their break from a mid-quality restaurant. There’s an adorable old man playing a stand-up bass that looks a bit confused as to why everyone around him is playing such a dreadful song.

Romania: HOLY SHIT! YES YES YES! I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT’S GOING ON BUT I LOVE IT! (There’s a dubstep bit slapped in there because they’re quasi-mandatory at Eurovision apparently.) AMAZING!

So wraps up the performance portion of Eurovision.

My ranking of Semi Final 2 entries ranked from best to worst

Finland

Romania

Norway

Hungary

Malta

Latvia

Iceland

Greece

Israel

Bulgaria

Georgia

Azerbaijan

FYR Macedonia

Switzerland

Armenia

Albania

San Marino

Holy moly this was loads better than Tuesday.

Things have shifted to Petra speaking with the contestants.

“You know what the Eurovision contest has in common with Mel Gibson?” is a thing that’s asked of the contestant from Israel. That’s sorta fucked up. (It turns out they’re the same age, but still what the hell was that about?)

We get a recap that looks back at the history of dancing, children and “ethnic ballads” that Eurovision’s experienced. We’re taken back to another recap featuring the night’s performers. Time to soak in Romania’s awesomeness once again.

Now a bit of performance stuff while the votes are counted. There’s a bland (but energetic, so there’s that) pop performance from a guy who may be named Darren. Or Daryn. Not sure. It’s picking up a bit. The dude’s doing a song that sounds like a One Direction castoff.

Right, time to split. If Finland and Romania fail to make it through, I’ll go berserk on the bus.

Papa Topo - Sangre En Los Zapatos (Mi Amor) Hey look, it’s...

Thu, 16 May 2013 14:16:00 -0400

Papa Topo - Sangre En Los Zapatos (Mi Amor)

Hey look, it’s the new Papa Topo video!

(There’s murder and death and the like as is standard with most Papa Topo videos.)

Eurovision Semi-Final 1: Instant Blurb Explosion

Tue, 14 May 2013 16:59:00 -0400

Howdy! At the moment I’m currently on Eurovision’s website and waiting for tonight’s semi-final to kick off. Who will dazzle? Who will sparkle? Who will dazzarkle? WHO WILL BE MOST EUROPE? I look forward to finding out. I’ve been having back spasms today, maybe I should take more muscle relaxants to crank up the dazzarkle. No time, better just spray from Febreze in my mouth. That might do something. NOPE! IT IS TERRIBLE!

Things are starting up with an intro that includes little clips of what each country is known for. Ireland has a pub because DRUNKS. A potato may have been giving birth to 20 kids in the background. Not entirely sure.

Cut to the live show. Children are singing. This year’s contest takes place in Sweden, so this could be one big A*Teens audition.

It’s wrapped up. Onward to a lady wrapped in tinfoil named Petra Mede. She has an air of authority to her. Sort of like the main alien out of that V remake. I trust her, but do her people understand our North American customs? HAVE YOU HEARD OF COWBOYS AND RATTLESNAKES?

Austria: First up, Austria! A country famous for skiing and that evil guy that ruined things for everyone for a while. Natália Kelly is doing a pleasant but dull number that sort of drags on its belly. Excellent wind machine action, though.

Estonia: It’s that country that was invented by Pauly Shore in Encino Man! Things were in black and white BUT BOOM COLOUR IS HERE TO TEAR SHIT UP! Birgit’s doing a slightly country-tinged (in spirit) crack at a Eurofied Diane Warren ballad. It’s the sort of thing that would sound great in a fan video about the unspoken romance between Hank and Sgt. Wu on Grimm.

Slovenia: Slovenian sex masks sure have come a long way. Dubstep-esque sounds are mixed with something that tries to outballad the previous two entries. Hannah’s catwalking, which is always the best way to go. Everyone does it and so does she. Possibly leader because of hot mask action.

Croatia: Dramatic music to start! The sort of thing you hear before watching a video on community initiatives a heartless corporation is super proud of. Croatia’s entry features a bunch of dudes singing together in a gentle cluster of serenading. Sometimes the singers turn to each other and sing in each other’s faces. Sort of a HEY GET A LOAD OF THIS, PAL! kinda thing.

Denmark: Denmark has all sorts of great pop groups: Alphabeat, Junior Senior, The Raveonettes. I have high hopes. Hmm…hopes not quite met. A Shakira looking lady is singing a “we’re going to make it through the forrest and when we get out, we’ll be adults” type song. It’s the best song so far. I may have been seduced by the waterfall made out of sparks.

Our host is back. ARE WE GETTING A SKETCH? She’s presenting some of the “failed slogans”, which includes the sort of gentle “hey Norway’s also expensive” humour that we all know and love.

Russia: Back to balladtown. No granny action from Russia this year. That’s a shame. This is a big goopy NO MORE BAD STUFF song with lyrics like “what if we chose to bury our guns” and a performance where the people surrounding the singer hold hands to show that they’re very pro-love. t.A.T.u.’s available. Please bring them back every year.

Ukraine: Yes! A giant man is carrying the singer to a stone for her to stand on! Some fantastic wiggling from the Ukrainian contestant. There’s also some hi-NRG rap guy bits of shouting peppered in. Either this woman is pro-gravity or anti-gravity. Not sure. Easily the best act so far.

Netherlands: From pop ballad stuff to rockish ballad stuff. This is impossibly dreary. There have been cheerier waterboardings than this slog. It’s supposed to be uplifting (the singer’s lifting her hands in a way to let you know you’re supposed to feel like you’re on a magical journey), but I fucking hate this. Next time they should just send a windmill that batters a Casio. That’d be much better.

Montenegro: Claps! Smoke! RAPPING ASTRONAUTS! HOLY SHIT! YES! YES! YES! Unnecessary dubstep bits are wedged in and their singing lady may be a cyborg. I get this. It speaks to me. Current leader! *throws clothes into a suitcase, books first flight to Podgorica*

Lithuania: How do you follow that? With doofus rock apparently. It’s sort of like an Enrique Iglesias track mixed with a very gentle version of The Killers. I like it more than I should. This guy just might be the 2013 Lithuanian John Cafferty.

Belarus: The Belarusian contestant has hatched from a discoball egg. Every year there’s a contestant that tries to combine Eastern European sex appeal with Eastern European dance music. This is one the clunkier hybrids. Actually, it’s downright horrible.

Moldova: It’s a piano ballad. The opening bit reminded me a bit of Fisher or whatever that piano-y act from FarmClub was called. This one’s big and dramatic. There are some lightning strikes in the background. Not spectacular, but it’s one of the better offerings so far.

Ireland: The Irish tend to do okay at Eurovision. Will Ryan Dolan meet the standards set by Jedward? Nope. A DJ Pauly D looking guy sings a bland song while backed up by shirtless dudes hammering away at drums. It’s one of those BIG dance tunes that aims to be theme music for a Sandals ad. Yuck. This one’s painfully generic and completely soulless.

The host has returned. She’s letting us know that Australia will be broadcasting the Eurovision final. We’re thrown to an Australian reporter who wants to let you know that Eurovision is popular in their country.

Cyprus: Another big dramatic song that probably isn’t about scoring ass at the club. This one builds is a gorgeous way, though. The singer says thanks in Swedish because she’s a delight.

Belgium: Is this Telex? It’s not? That’s a shame. Instead we get a guy that is trying to communicate with us through his eyebrows. This offering is the sort of song that comes to mind when you think “European pop”. I like that this guy is easily the grabbiest singer they’ve had so far. The mid-song hand gestures are incredible! It doesn’t make up for the lousy song, but I hope he makes it through on gesture principle.

Serbia: Last entry of the night. I have no idea what the deal with the costumes is, but it’s a bold choice. I’m choosing to pretend that Serbia’s entry was performed by members of the Kerkovich family.

My ranking of Semi Final 1 entries ranked from best to worst

Montenegro

Ukraine

Lithuania

Moldova

Cyprus

Denmark

Serbia

Slovenia

Belgium

Croatia

Russia

Estonia

Austria

Ireland

Belarus

Netherlands

That’s right, Holland is the worst.

My internet cut out near the end of the recap. I missed out on the host speaking to the audience. Now she’s travelling through time appearing in old Eurovision clips. She’s like Billie Jean Crystal all up in that piece!

Another recap pops up. Yup, still hate the entry from the Netherlands. The Lithuanian entry gets better with every ridiculous listen. Not sure why Ireland fought so hard against their “Irish charm” aesthetic. Still haven’t felt out what’s happening with Serbia’s entry. I feel dirty for watching it.

Voting has ended! WHO WILL EARN THE RIGHT TO RUB ELBOWS WITH BONNIE TYLER IN AN OVERCROWDED GREEN ROOM?

Some dance folks are doing dance things while the votes are being sorted out. Lots of rolling around. Not sure if these people are the Swedish equivalent of the Jabbawockeez. They’re equally horrible, but for their own set of reasons. The song’s not bad. Andreas Kleerup does good work.

Now we’re getting a featurette about Sweden. An incredibly irritating British lady is our guide. My feed cuts out before…something happens?

The pre-qualified finalists are announced. We get a preview of those tracks. France’s doesn’t sound half bad. Spain’s entry is good, but I feel like they really could just pluck someone off Elefant and have a better entry. Germany and Italy have dull soupy entries. I’m fascinated by the Bonnie Tyler video that’s Britain’s entry. It’s like someone tried to do a “Hurt” or “Miss Being Mrs” video, but didn’t quite understand it. Sweden’s entry sounds neat.

All the televotes and jury votes have been calculated. Let’s get this announcement party started. RANDOM ORDER FUN!

Moldova’s in. That’s good. Lithuania is in. That’s also good. Ireland’s in. That’s not good. The shirtless drummer guy is very excited. Estonia’s in. I guess so. Belarus is in. FUCK RIGHT OFF. IMMEDIATELY FUCK RIGHT OFF. Denmark’s in. I guess that’s okay. Russia’s in. I’m worried. Belgium’s in. IF MONTENEGRO DOESN’T MAKE IT, I WILL FLIP A FUCKING TANK! Ukraine’s in. Fuck. THE NETHERLANDS? YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD TO ME EUROPE! *flips every tank in view* WHAT THE FUCK WENT WRONG? IS THIS THAT VOTING BLOC NONSENSE I’VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT?

I don’t believe in nothing no more. I’ll need to booze up properly before Thursday.

Steel yourself. Bogey Orangutan’s pick for #1 song of all...

Tue, 14 May 2013 14:39:05 -0400

Steel yourself. Bogey Orangutan’s pick for #1 song of all time is set to drop at any moment.

Bobby Caldwell - Don’t Quit The official theme song of...

Sat, 11 May 2013 16:21:42 -0400

Bobby Caldwell - Don’t Quit

The official theme song of Body by Jake.

(That’s not a goof and a spoof. It actually is.)

MTV - 50 Years From 1986 Fascinating.

Sat, 11 May 2013 16:12:15 -0400

MTV - 50 Years From 1986

Fascinating.

Alexis Arquette - Vogue “Alexis Arquette created and...

Sat, 11 May 2013 15:53:05 -0400

Alexis Arquette - Vogue

“Alexis Arquette created and directed this video for Madonna’s song Vogue for MTV’s Contest to create the best video. Alexis won First Place and here is the video in it’s entirety. ”

Dang!

Jaminator - Housewives Ad THIS AIN’T Y’DADDY’S...

Sat, 11 May 2013 15:44:40 -0400

Jaminator - Housewives Ad

THIS AIN’T Y’DADDY’S TOY GUITAR!

Hamner Barber Variety Show - Promo I’m rabbitholin’ hard on...

Sat, 04 May 2013 17:59:54 -0400

Hamner Barber Variety Show - Promo

I’m rabbitholin’ hard on Branson today.

Branson Tourism Center - Yeah Baby Yeah Concierge Program...

Sat, 04 May 2013 17:54:12 -0400

Branson Tourism Center - Yeah Baby Yeah Concierge Program Ad

Shagadelic.

SIX - Branson Tourism Center Promo Not to be confused with Jenna...

Sat, 04 May 2013 13:49:00 -0400

SIX - Branson Tourism Center Promo

Not to be confused with Jenna von Öy’s one woman show.

(By the way, for all the freaky sex that Pretty Ricky or Mötley Crüe have had, there’s no way it holds a candle to the weird kinky shit that must happen with SIX groupies. They look like a gaggle of men that like to keep a Hanes Her Way trophy case.)

Remember to color code your laughs.

Sat, 04 May 2013 13:46:07 -0400

Remember to color code your laughs.

ABC Fun Fact - Yakov Smirnoff Baseball PSA The first base coach...

Sat, 04 May 2013 13:30:22 -0400

ABC Fun Fact - Yakov Smirnoff Baseball PSA

The first base coach seemed a bit rude.

QRay knows where it’s at.

Sat, 04 May 2013 13:16:50 -0400

QRay knows where it’s at.